


A New Life

by PCBW



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Babies, Borg Baby, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Literary References & Allusions, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, slightly AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-15
Updated: 2013-07-13
Packaged: 2017-12-15 01:42:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 30
Words: 29,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/843835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PCBW/pseuds/PCBW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Janeway falls ill and finds that her road to recovery brings her more than she ever expected. Set after Latent Image.</p><p>It's the same story, but I just reformatted it to make it more reader friendly!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

My eyes feel lidded; drooping millimeter by millimeter as I vaguely listen to the Doctor's tirade. Sometimes and in some ways he is so much like I envision Dante's Beatrice, young and untainted. Though his physical body displays the characteristics of a fully-grown man, he is still so much like a child. In true fact, he was only 'born' 5 years ago and it was a birth made of necessity. I imagine that Lewis Zimmerman could not have planned for his creation to have such broad panoply of experiences, talents, and a bustling personality. Not one of us, scientist or engineer, could have predicted that what we consider to be computer circuitry could have 'evolved' so much. These growing pains that he is experiencing will pass, I tell myself as my fever stirs.

Over the years, the past 5 in particular, I have trained my physical body. I have pushed it past barriers that I didn't even think possible. I have been cut, assimilated, starved, sleep deprived. Yet here I am, lulled into a fitful sleep on an empty holodeck. The doctor grabs my foot and I instinctively reach for a phaser – my guard never down. "Go" he tells me, "I'll be here in the morning". Grudgingly I agree with him, as I stumble to my quarters intent on falling into a fitful sleep.

Sleep. Sleep is something that most consider to be a necessity. I see it as a luxury. In truth, I hate sleep. My crewmembers, even Chakotay sometimes, are convinced that I don't sleep because I'm too busy – too worried for the crew. They think I pace my quarters and the sparsely populated lower decks every night dreaming up new tactics and new scenarios to get us home. But that's not the whole truth. I don't sleep because I don't want to dream.

To some, dreaming opens a whole new world of possibility. This new world is full of magic and wonder where the natural laws and common sense do not apply. My dreams, though, are different. My dreams are all too real. Who ever is in charge of the universe has a crude sense of humour when it comes to Kathryn Janeway. When REM sleep descends upon me, my mind is full of images of things that I have lost, things I can't have. When we were first stranded in the Delta Quadrant, my dreams brought me to my family home in Indiana. I would run through the cornfields, put on my boots and trudge through the earth to feed the cows, chase the chickens through the yard, play fetch with Molly, eat Sunday dinner with my family… But I would always wake up, back in the Delta Quadrant with more memories of what I couldn't have.

Over the years, my dreams changed and now the scenario is fairly consistent. Since New Earth, my dreams have brought me to the same wonderful place: I'm sitting in a rocking chair with intricate designs on the arms. In front of me a glass door is open, letting in the morning light and a cool breeze that sways the opaque white curtain to and fro. The room smells fresh, but warm. I look down. Then, as if coming into full consciousness, I feel a light weight in my arms. I feel a smile on my face as I look at the bundle propped against my breast. Her eyes are deep brown, almost black – the same colour as her hair. She stirs only slightly as her eyes dart around the room, coming to rest on something or someone just behind my shoulder. Babies don't smile intentionally, not when they are as young as she is, but still she smiles. Tiny dimples form at the corners of her mouth and she makes a delightful sound. I look over in the direction of her gaze and I see him.

I've seen him once without his shirt – when we were on New Earth. I didn't mean to – I wasn't trying to be inappropriate, but it just happened. He didn't realize that I was staring – silently memorizing his shape: broad shoulders, strong abdominals – not cut, but heavy and masculine – a true boxers form. But there he is, wearing nothing but deep dimples and a pair of loose white linen pants that bustle in the breeze, looking at us with obsidian eyes full of the most love I've ever seen. And then, I wake up with tears in my eyes and silently go over every reason why that dream will never come to fruition. So, now you see why I can't allow myself to sleep – why I can't allow myself to dream and be tempted by things that I want but will never have.

Tonight though, against all better judgment and contrary to my finely honed control – I succumb to exhaustion, illness, and sleep.

09:30 hours Bridge

Harry Kim looked up from his console, apparently late to the "it's 09:30 hours, where is the captain?" game of eye tag that the rest of the crew happened to be involved in.

Chakotay tentatively tapped his combadge. There were no scheduled oversights of any department for this morning. According to Tuvok, Harry, the Doctor, and B'Elanna's reports all departments were operating at peak efficiency. This stretch of space was proving to be peaceful – a welcome distraction from the last few weeks.

"Chakotay to Janeway" No response. His brow started to furrow and worry lines set in. Worrying about Kathryn was never far from his mind and he couldn't imagine a day when it ever would be. "Bridge to Janeway" Again No response. "Computer locate Captain Janeway". The cool tones of the computer immediately responded, "Captain Janeway is in her quarters". Muttering started around the bridge. Chakotay looked up, worry written all over his face, "Tuvok, you have the bridge" as he ran up the stairs three by three and ran into the open turbolift doors. "Aye Sir".


	2. Chapter 2

'What is going on? Where is she? What's happened to her? It's not like Kathryn to oversleep! Well, it's not like Kathryn to sleep at all…' Thoughts war through his mind as the turbolift's doors hiss open. Alien-induced coma, concussion, depression…? Worst-case scenario after worst-case scenario play at him a he punches in her door code. She often changes the code, but he's always been able to figure it out. It's a game he plays with her. He knows Kathryn often likes to think of herself as a mystery – something difficult to anticipate and grasp. And to most, she is. She most certainly is to hostile alien species: the Borg, the Kazon, Species 8472… But he has always been able to see past all of it. He's always looked past her inscrutability and his gaze lands on the woman underneath. He unnerves her, as no one else is ever been able to. With Justin and Mark she'd always gotten her way. A simple lie, a slip of the tongue, a simple manipulation was all it had taken to turn the table in her favour. But, he's never let anything slip past. He knows when she was hiding something – when she is being subversive.

At the third attempt the door slides open. He smiles. The winning number is his student identification number from the academy.

Her quarters are dark, the only light coming from the passing stars. If she was awake, she would have stalked out by now.

"Kathryn?" he calls out tentatively as he moves into her bedroom. And then he sees her and, like it always does, his breath leaves his chest in an instant. He'd watched her sleep on New Earth. She never knew, but every morning he would wake and watch her as the sun rose and bathed her auburn hair through the skylight over her bed. He always loved her hair. Like her, it's beautiful and complicated. Never one colour, it shows hues of hazel, red, and even some blond. In the first couple of years that he had known her, she'd worn the length of it in a tight bun perched at the crown of her head. That bun was always something else; he'd always wondered how she kept all that hair on the top of her head – he smiles, that must have been the reason behind all those neck aches. On New Earth she'd worn it in a plait, or down over her shoulders like a veil. Then, she'd said, 'to hell with it' and cut it all off. The first time he'd seen her with short hair, he'd mourned a little. But truthfully, she is breathtaking at whatever length she chooses to wear it.

He looks down at her sleeping form. She looks tiny and vulnerable. Ah, another reason Kathryn hates to sleep, he thinks: she is defenseless, not in complete control. But even in the midst of the beauty of the picture that he sees in front of him, he knows something was wrong. He bends lower to her and sees a thin sheen on sweat covering her arms and chest. He gently lays the back of his hand on her forehead to feel her temperature. She feels as hot as a warp coil that was about to breach. His heart rate speeds up,

"Chakotay to Doctor"

"Doctor here. How can I help you, Commander?"

"Doctor, I'm with the captain in her cabin – she has a fever. She's still sleeping, but she's covered in sweat. Please come immediately!"

"On my way, Commander. Doctor out."

This could be nothing, he thinks as he looks at her. This could be a simple cold. She'll wake up, argue with the Doctor, and tell him she's fine. He'll disagree and shove a hypospray at her and everything would be fine. But, instinctively nothing about this situation feels fine.

He gently nudges her shoulder, "Kathryn" he whispers gently. No response. "Kathryn" he whispers again, tenderly brushing a sweat-drenched piece of hair from her face. She stirs, slightly and looks up at him with squinted eyes and smiles, "You're here. She's beautiful isn't she? I knew it, Chakotay. I just knew that she would look like you."

She closed her eyes again. He is completely perplexed. Who is she? Who looks like me? "Kathryn," he says more firmly, "Kathryn wake up". No response. Her breathing is even. He's never seen her like this and his worry is reaching dangerous levels. Unconsciously, he caresses her arm.

The door to her cabin swooshes open, "Commander, please move aside". The Doctor moves his tricorder probe over the Captain's sleeping form, "temperature 103.4, pulse 85, respirations 19… Commander we need to get her to Sickbay now!"

Chakotay taps his comm. badge, "Chakotay to Transporter Room 1. We need a site to site transport from the Captain's quarters to Sickbay immediately!"

"Transporter Room 1 here. I'm sorry commander, but we're in the middle of a diagnostic. Seven wants to make some additions to the transporter controls to up their efficiency at long range. They'll be online in 20 minutes."

"We don't have 20 minutes, Commander" the Doctor states, "You'll just have to carry her".

Chakotay draws in a breath and looks down at the Doctor, "Ok but no one tells her that when she wakes up!"

The Doctor nods knowingly, "we need to get going, Commander. Not being one to break Doctor-patient confidentiality, but this is serious and we need to start running scans yesterday".

Purposefully, Chakotay leans down and gathers the sleeping Captain into his arms. "Get her robe – I don't think she'd want anyone to see her in this peach night shirt". They cover her and head out towards the turbolifts.


	3. Chapter 3

The Doctor moves quickly around the captain, scanning and taking mental notes. Chakotay stands close to her bed, not being able to tear himself from her side – not wanting to leave her. She still hasn't woken despite the bright lights of sickbay and the occasional grunts and laden sighs of the doctor. Hyposrays are placed to her neck and fluid lines are set up.

"Doctor-"

"Not right now, Commander" he cuts him off unceremoniously as he continues his assessment.

Chakotay nods and keeps quite until the Doctor's pace begins to slow. After sufficiently stabilizing the captain, "Commander, what I have to say is unsettling. Would you like to discuss this in my office?"

"No," unable to peel himself from her side; worry keeps him to her like Velcro.

"Very well," the Doctor began somberly, "Do you remember the planet that we just left, Tevian 8? Before you beamed down to the surface, we were warned about an outbreak on the planet of a virus. The Tevian race has a complex biology; much different than human biology from what I could gather from the medical scans that were sent to us prior to departure to the planet for trade negotiations. Because of the biological disparities, I determined that none of the crew would be susceptible to the virus. However, it seems that I was wrong."

"You're saying that the Captain has contracted that Tevian virus?"

"Yes and no, Commander. I believe that the Captain was infected with the virus, but since contracting it, the virus has mutated according to her biology, creating a whole new virus altogether. One might say this virus is 'tailor made' to suit her biological make-up".

He looks down, and draws in a deep breath, "have any other crewmembers reported similar symptoms in the last 24 hours or in the last week since we left the planet?"

"No, Commander. It seems that the Captain is it's only victim so far. Since it was only you, the Captain, and Commander Tuvok that were present on the planet for the trade negotiations and since neither you or the Commander have reported symptoms – I think it's safe to assume that the Captain will be the only victim".

"Is there any risk of transmission to the crew?"

"No, Commander. The Tevian 8 virus was airborne, but the mutated form is non-transmissible. Additionally, since the virus has altered to suit the Captain's physiology, it is highly unlikely that anyone without her exact genetic makeup would be at risk. If she had an identical twin, perhaps – but since that is not the case the rest of the crew is not as risk".

Chakotay sighs and rubs his neck. He glances at Kathryn's sleeping form, "what should be expect from the virus? How long will she be ill?"

Hesitation and worry furrow the Doctor's holographic forehead, "it's difficult to say. Commander,"

Chakotay looks up, "Commander, the Tevian 8 virus is very serious. It worries me that the Captain isn't waking up. I gave her a strong stimulant, but she remains in a deep sleep. Additionally, all the scans that I've taken indicate peripheral nerve damage. She's stable for now, but there remains some impairment. However, peripheral nerves do regenerate. But I fear that if- when she wakes up, she might experience some motor deficits. Also, it may be advisable to put her on a respirator. Like I said, she's stable for now, but God forbid the virus begins to attack her Phrenic Nerve- respiration will become near to impossible."

"How do you mean? Will she be able to walk? What kind of motor deficits, doctor?! Are they permanent? Respirator? She can't breath?! Doctor-"

"Chakotay! Please calm down-"

"Calm down?! The woman I- the Captain –" he stops before he says anymore. Getting nervous and losing his temper will not heal Kathryn. He knows that. What he needs to do is focus on a solution. He needs to fix the situation. Yes, he can do that.

He taps his combadge, "Chakotay to Tuvok."

"Tuvok here," the cool Vulcan voice replies.

"Are we still in communications range of Tevian 8?"

"No, Commander, we left their space 7 hours ago. Is there a problem, Commander?"

Chakotay taps his combadge again, cutting the line. "Doctor, do you need to speak with the Tevian physicians in order to treat the Captain, or can you come up with a treatment on your own?"

"It would be advisable to speak with the Tevians. They have had far more experience with the virus that I and –"

"Chakotay to Tuvok."

"Is there a problem, Commander?"

"Assemble the Senior Staff in the conference room in 15 minutes."

"Doctor, stay with the Captain. Do whatever you need to in order to stabilize her. If you need to ventilate her, do it. I'm going to talk to the staff and hopefully turn the ship back to Tevian space. In the meantime, please do whatever research you need to. You have every resource at your disposal. If you need me to send Paris down to help, I'll do it. Please Doctor."

"Aye Sir".


	4. Chapter 4

11:37 Conference Room

Senior Staff Meeting

Tom leans in close to B'Elanna, "you think this is about the Captain not showing up this morning?"

She looks down and then to the side, scanning the room and gathering her thoughts. Neelix sits quietly, looking out at the passing stars. Tuvok sits calmly, his Vulcan stoicism ever-present. Harry looks worried. She smirks: Harry always looks worried. Though not much younger than herself, Harry is still a baby – and he had baby cheeks to prove it. But, she thinks, he's come a long way in the past five years. So has she. They all have. Kathryn Janeway has seen to it. She has pushed them, encouraged them. Yes, B'Elanna thought, Kathryn Janeway is a remarkable woman and an astounding Captain. She has seen past B'Elanna's tough, rebellious and angry Klingon exterior to the frail girl underneath. She's seen what few have seen beneath the heated shell: a vulnerable girl who needs to be pressed and put through the fire. And, with Kathryn's help, B'Elanna has blossomed not only into a first class engineer, but a woman who is kind, caring, and most importantly, someone who was able to look at frailty not as a weakness, but as a source of strength. She looks back at Tom. Tom. Helm Boy. She never imagined loving someone like him. If she had met him back at the Academy she would have avoided him like the plague, brushing him off as arrogant and distasteful. Well, she smiles inwardly, that's how she thought of him during their first few years on Voyager. But somehow this tall, lanky, blue-eyed, All-American former bad-boy captured her heart and she can't imagine a day without him. His love and affection towards her are a source of vital constancy in her life. Of course he annoys the hell out of her at times and she fights with him – her fiery Klingon blood demanding no less. But, his love warms her and brings her out of herself. Loving him makes her less selfish. She leans into him, "I don't know. I think so. Do you think it's her depression again?"

Tuvok's finely tuned hearing misses nothing – even the whispers made across the table, "Lieutenant Torres, idle speculation will get you nowhere".

B'Elanna creases her brow and scrunches her distinctly Klingon ridges, sometimes Tuvok really gets under her skin, "Well, Tuvok do you know something we don't?"

"No. Commander Chakotay called this meeting. I am still unaware as to why were have been called here. But perhaps-"

"Oh no" Neelix sputters, cutting off the cool Vulcan, "I certainly hope it's not the Captain's depression again. I don't think crew morale can handle it!"

Harry remains silent, tapping his foot under the table in angst.

Just as emotions in the room are about to boil over, the doors hiss open and the room quiets. Chakotay looks around the room. Curiosity and worry war on everyone but Tuvok's slate features.

"Well," he clears is throat as he tries to keep his tone even and steady despite the anxiety and anguish he feels whirling in his gut, "I suppose that all of you might have guess by now that what I have to say concerns the Captain –"

B'Elanna is growing impatient, "what's going on, Chakotay? Is this another one of the Captain's depressions? Just tell us."

Too tired to reprimand B'Elanna for interrupting a senior officer, "Yes and no. She's in sickbay. I found her this morning feverish and near unconscious in her quarters. She was taken to Sickbay and the Doctor diagnosed her with the Tevian virus that was implicated in the outbreak on the planet."

"Commander?"

"Yes, Tom,"

"The Doctor was informed that since the Tevians had such different physiologies to our own that the virus was not a threat. I don't understand how she could have contracted it. From the scans that the Doctor showed me of the Tevians' physiology, their immune system is completely different from our own. How could the Captain have contracted the virus?"

"He doesn't know, Tom. All we know is that she did and since acquiring the virus, it's mutated. It's not transmissible, but it's adapted to her own unique physiology."

"Is it very serious, Commander?" Neelix whispers anxiously.

"Yes," Chakotay looks down, desperate to hide the emotion building in his eyes, "yes it's serious, Neelix. It's attacking her nerves. The Doctor says he might have to intubate. But," he clears his throat again and rubs his eyes – banishing his tears for a more private setting. This is a time, after all, to fix things, not to dwell on them. "But we need to turn the ship around. We need to get back to Tevian 8 or at least get back into transporter range. The Doctor needs to collaborate with the local physicians in order to find a cure or at least some way of treating the Captain. Right now, all he has is rudimentary information on the virus. So, Tom, lay in a course for Tevian 8."

Tom looked serious, "Aye Sir".

"You're dismissed, Mr. Paris." Tom begins to leave hastily to take his spot at the helm but before he is out the door, "Oh and Tom, as soon as you've laid in a course please go down to Sickbay and see if the Doctor needs any help. He's trying to do a bit of research as well as monitoring the Captain. It might greatly improve his efficiency if you could take over some of those duties".

"Aye, Sir".

The rest of the senior staff begins to get up, "not so fast everyone".

Chakotay looked at Tuvok, "Commander, send out a subspace communication as soon as we are in range of the planet. Tell the Tevians that we are returning and explain the situation. Ask for their cooperation. Make sure that a comm. and visual link can be established for the Doctor as soon as we are in range".

Chakotay turns his attention to Neelix, "Mr. Neelix I am counting on you to inform the crew and keep crew morale up. Assure everyone that we are doing everything we can for the Captain".

"Yes Sir," the boisterous Talaxian smiles weakly, "you can count on me, Commander".

"That's it everyone. Thank you. I'll do my best to keep you all informed. Dismissed."

Harry remains silent for the whole meeting, obviously worried for his Captain. Everyone leaves steadily until it is only B'Elanna and Chakotay.

"Chakotay" B'Elanna whispers.

"Not now, B'Ela" he keeps his gaze at the floor.

"I know," She whispers as she caringly stroked his arm. Yes. She knows. She knows how much Chakotay loves the captain. In fact, you'd have to be blind not to notice. Chakotay looks at Kathyrn the way that Tom looks at her. Every time she is injured it's the same. His emotions war within him. He becomes withdrawn, focused – but empty. Getting him to leave Sickbay is near to impossible. She is his greatest love. She is his greatest weakness. But yet, she is also his greatest strength. All the other times, though, she had recovered. Now, however, they tread in unknown waters. Not one of them knows if Kathryn will survive this.


	5. Chapter 5

Although Neelix did his best to reassure the crew about the Captain's safety, the morale onboard had taken a precipitous turn for the worst.

Everyday they are reminded that Voyager was not a typical Starship. Yes, there are the obvious differences between Voyager and a ship like the Enterprise – one treads in known quadrants of the galaxy and, though it has its share of out of the ordinary experiences, it is nearly always in safe communications range of Starfleet and other ships. The other, however, traverses a yet humanly uncharted section of the galaxy, making due with little. But, proximity to authority and known space were not the only aspects that set Voyager apart. No, unlike other starships, Voyager is truly a family operation. She is a ship held together by love, tears, sweat, blood, and the sheer determination of her crew and her Captain.

It has always been a romantic notion since the days where exploration was limited to sea-ships that Captains inspire trust and fealty in those who serve under them. Voyager made that notion a reality. Every single crewmember loves Kathryn Janeway and would die for her without hesitation. The whole crew is palpably worried for their Captain, who, at the moment, lay very ill in Sickbay.

It wasn't rational or even productive, but he can't help it. He should be on the bridge. He should be in his office going over reports and crewmember evaluations. He wasn't needed in sickbay, but he is there. No one is going to say anything to him about it either, not even Tuvok.

The ever-logical Vulcan had learned, even in his own life, that love is not logical. Many think that Vulcans have a poor understanding of emotion solely because they do not express it. The truth of the matter, however, is that Vulcans know more about emotion than they let on – Tuvok in particular. Over the past 5 years of separation from his wife, Tuvok has very privately gone through emotions of loss and love for his dear T'Pel. Secretly, he wants nothing more than to be by her side. So, he says nothing to the Commander and assumes control of the bridge and ships communications.

After the staff meeting, Chakotay had every intention of going back to his office, but his legs refused to take commands from the frontal cortex of his brain and instead they decided that they had a mind of their own. That mind led him back to Kathryn's side.

And there he's stayed, glued to her bedside, deep in thought. Occasionally he touches her. They are small touches, letting her know he was there. But in truth, those small touches are more for him than for her. He feels her forehead. It is still warm. The doctor was able to bring the fever down from dangerous levels, but it is still there – a harsh reminder that she is still under its control. But, she is no longer covered in sweat. However, she still remains deep in sleep.

He can see movement in her eyes, indicating that she is dreaming. 'What are you dreaming of Kathryn' he wonders. He thinks about earlier that morning when he found her; what had she said? 'She looks just like you'. 'Who looks like me, Kathryn? Wake up, Kathryn. Please. Will you remember what you said? If you do, will you tell me and not couch it in protocol? Will you brush it to the side like you do every emotion that Starfleet hasn't sanctioned?' He was going in circles in his head.

He looks over to his right. The Doctor is deeply entrenched in work, taking micro-cellular scans, rummaging through phials of medicine, typing data into the console. Tom, though, stays by the Captain. He monitors everything. In the end, they had chosen to intubate. Her respirations had fallen though not yet into dangerous levels. However, they do it as a safety precaution. So there they stand. There they anguish. There they wait.

"Bridge to Commander Chakotay" Harry's somber voice cuts through the silence of Sickbay.

Chakotay taps his combadge automatically, "Chakotay here, go ahead Harry"

"We're in communications range of the Tevian 8. Tuvok is speaking with the planet's Ambassador right now. Tell the Doctor that we'll be able to set up that comm link soon".

"Thank you, Harry. Tell Tuvok to mention to the Tevians that we are prepared to beam the Doctor down if they need to collaborate with him in person".

"Aye Aye sir. Kim out".

Tom looks up from his tricorder hopefully, "now we just wait. Shouldn't be long, Sir," he smiled and then added, "she's a fighter, Commander. Don't worry – she won't let a little thing like a virus get her down. She's taken on the Borg Queen, remember!"

There are times, most of them in the past, but some of them in the not so distant past that Chakotay truly despised Tom Paris. But, over the past five years, he's seen him transform from a cocky adolescent to a man that he respected and thought of as his peer, his equal, his friend, and now his family.

Tom might not have realized it, but with those few words, his constant meticulous presence, and his jovial spirit, he was giving Chakotay strength.

The Tevian doctors are just as accommodating as the negotiators had been. Because of the research the Doctor had done in the hours before the rendezvous with the planet, he had been able to amass a large volume of knowledge and understanding on Tevian virology. The Tevians are in the middle stages of developing a treatment. But, truthfully, because of the Tevians vastly different physiology, they initially have a difficult time understanding why the Captain has become so ill; most Tevians who contract the virus only suffer brief bouts of malaise.

In the end, it was the complex interaction of the virus with the Captain's physiology and weakened immune system that had left her so vulnerable. Thankfully the doctors are able to devise a treatment. However, it is determined that the damage to the peripheral nerves cannot not be medically reversed – the Captain will have to come to terms with that on her own. And truthfully, the extent of the damage will not be known until she wakes.

Within 24 hours of administering the initial dose of the treatment, the fever subsides and the decision is made to remove the breathing tube. 30 hours after the administration of the drug, she begins to wake up.


	6. Chapter 6

Everything looks blurry. Everything hurts. 'Where am I? I miss her. So small, so- no. No. I'm in Sickbay. I'm –'

"Kathryn"

'That voice. I know that voice. I love that voice. It's the same voice that sings tender words to love to her as he cradles her small form. It's the same voice that whispers hot words of passion, love, lust – No. No. It's not. She's not real. I'm in Sickbay…'

Tears begin to roll down her cheeks. Tenderly, he wipes them away. Tom and the Doctor stand on the other side of, monitoring but also watching.

"Kathryn" he whispers again, "do you know where you are? Do you know who I am?"

"I.."

'My throat hurts. I want to speak. I want to say "yes!" but words don't come. I want to get up, but my legs won't move. I want to take his hand but my arms feel leaden. More frustration. More tears. He wipes them away. Why does he do that? Why does he stay when I push him? I want to say "Go Chakotay, go and find someone else. Go be happy!" But I want him to stay. I need him to stay. I need him to fight back and be contrary and obstinate. If he doesn't, who will?'

He looks up at the Doctor, "why can't she speak?"

The Doctor looks down at me and speaks patronizingly slowly, "Captain, I know you must be scared right now. You've just suffered through a very serious illness. We've never encountered what you've experienced and so I have to say that I don't have a lot of answers for you right now. The virus attacked a lot of your peripheral nerves; this is why you are having trouble moving and speaking. I want to assure you, though, that all of these functions will come back. You have to give it time. Everything will come back, you just have to be patient."

I blink. I'm going to try it again, "I..Ok"

'It's hard and more tears come. My greatest fear has been realized. I'm not in control. This damn body that I have trained into submission with careful control and restraint is failing me. I'm trapped. What am I going to do?! I can't live like this! Wait, Kathryn, calm down, the Doctor said it would come back. There he is again, wiping away my tears. Those beautiful hands with their long fingers are caressing my sadness. Stop crying, Kathryn! What if I'm like this forever? I'll never tell him. He'll never know. Were you going to tell him, anyway? Yes. No. I don't know. If I were it was going to be my decision and now the Universe once again plays a joke on me and takes it all away. Goddammit! His big bronze hands linger a moment over my cheek and he holds my face in his hands. Don't do it, Chakotay! Don't cross the barriers I've se up. Don't make this harder for me, please I beg you. My eyes feel heavy again. I want to sleep. Yes. Now I want to sleep. I want to go back and see her. See him. At least there I can tell him. I can move my arms, my legs, I can hold him, touch him, love him. Here I'm broken, useless, frustrated.'

He leans in close, "Sleep, Kathryn."


	7. Chapter 7

I open my eyes. It's too bright. I still can't move. I can feel, but I can't move. He doesn't leave, though. He hasn't left. They've told him to leave but he wont. Today they're going to start me eating again. Soft foods. Gruel is more like it. He should know by now that I hate eating. I prefer a strong cup of coffee. I only eat when he forces me. Well, I guess now he's forcing me. I'm being forced to do everything. I'm usually the one doing the forcing. I'm the one who gives the orders, not them. Now no one's listening to me. I don't have a voice. Well, not a strong one. This morning I said a word. Well, a third of a word… that's being generous even. I said "cha". I mean to say "Chakotay get the hell out of here. I don't want you to see me like this", but the rest of it didn't come. My throat hurts too much. Damn it.

"Good morning, Captain!" The Doctor's tone is saccharine. "Now that you've gotten some rest we're going to start working your muscles and see if we can get you speaking again. But first we need to see if you can swallow."

The Doctor adjusts the bed, bringing the head into a semi vertical position. Suddenly I feel a minor discomfort in my groin. I cringe inwardly, a catheter.

"Mess hall to Doctor" Neelix's cheery voice fills the room.

The Doctor taps his commbadge, "Doctor here."

"How is the Captain this morning? The crew has been asking about her!"

"Very well, Mr. Neelix. Assure the crew that the Captain is doing just fine and will be up and running in no time!" The doctor smiles, adding a cheerier note to his voice.

"Oh that's just wonderful! Everyone will be so pleased! Neelix out."

Before Neelix can finish his sentence, "Engineering to Doctor"

"Go ahead B'Elanna."

"Ensign Murphy was changing the plasma relay when the station short circuited. He has first-degree burns on his hands. Would you mind coming down here and sorting him out?"

"Of course. Give me five minutes and I'll be right down."

The Doctor looks up at Chakotay, "Commander, I have to go. I need you to help the Captain with breakfast."

He looks over at me, "I know this is frustrating, Captain, but we need to see if you can eat so that we don't have to put in a feeding tube. Please do the best you can. Call me if there are any difficulties. Healing first-degree burns won't take long"

He nods, picks up a med kit and leaves, the poly alloy doors hissing shut, announcing his departure.

I look back at Chakotay. He reaches for the oatmeal. The gruel. He looks hesitant. He knows how uncomfortable I am. I know how uncomfortable he is. The silence between us is as palpable as the awkwardness.

"I know, Kathryn," he begins, "I know. But please try. Open your mouth and we'll see how this goes."

He attempts a smile. Those dimples come out of hiding. I close my eyes tightly. Maybe I can just will this all away. Maybe –

"Please, Kathryn," he pleads holding a spoonful of gruel.

I open my mouth and he places it on the center of my tongue. The sensation is strange to me. I mentally have to walk myself through the process of swallowing. What was once automatic now requires a whole new level of effort and thought. I close my eyes again, going through the steps. Tentatively I chew and then the bolus moves towards the back of my throat. I feel the epiglottis close over my trachea and I feel the warm mass move slowly into my oesophagus. Victory. I open my eyes and manage a small crooked smile. He smiles back, dimples on full display. We do it again. There's a bit of a learning curve but by the time the Doctor returns I've finished half the bowl. I feel satisfied with myself. No more tubes. Now if I could only see about getting the catheter removed.

The Doctor replaces his med kit and returns to my bedside. He looks at the contents of the bowl, and smiles.

"She finished half the bowl, Doctor" Chakotay gleams.

"This is wonderful news, Commander, Captain. You're recovering rather well. However, this is only the beginning of your recovery. Next we need to work on movement and speech. Because the virus thankfully did not attack any of your cranial nerves, it's unlikely that you should have any problems speaking. However, any trouble you are experiencing now is just a result of your being intubated. Can you try and speak for us?"

Because of last night, I've been afraid to speak. The Doctor is right; this should be easy, "th-thank-k yo-u" I manage in Chakotay's direction, my voice heavy and scratchy. I cough, letting up some of the secretions in my throat. There, that wasn't so bad. The third time's the charm, "Thank you, Chakotay. Doctor, when do you think I'll be able to walk? Also," I shyly turn my eyes down, "when will I be able to get this catheter out?"

Chakotay clears his throat, "Doctor, Kathyrn would you like me to leave?"

"Y-" I begin.

"No. The Doctor firmly interjects. Captain, I know I'm repeating myself when I say that I know that this is difficult and takes some getting used to. But you have to remember that this is temporary. You'll only be incapacitated until your peripheral nerves –"

"Start to regenerate" I interrupt exasperatedly. "Yes, I know. Doctor, but-"

"No 'buts', Captain!" The Doctor had planned for this. He had planned for a fight and he was prepared to win. " Until that point you are going to need all the help you can get and Chakotay is able to provide that help. You are friends, colleagues, and have a good rapport. Additionally, without Kes, we also don't have the functional equivalent of a nurse or physical therapist. You are just going to have to depend on the Commander. I am confident that he is more than adequate. He already knows how to put up with you and your bad temper, and he's not intimidated by those sneering looks or harsh tones you use to frighten us lowly mortals!"

I stare at him, wide-eyed. Even Chakotay's mouth hangs open at the Doctor's brazenness. Apparently, though, the hologram is on a roll, "And in case you didn't already know this, Captain, but you aren't the only one on this ship who can give orders! So, in case I haven't made it abundantly clear: you are going to cooperate with me and the commander and you are going to get better!"

"Doctor," Chakotay begins meekly, "If Kathryn doesn't want me here we could always find someone else. I'm sure that Sam Wildm-"

"Absolutely not! Did you not hear me a mere few seconds ago? You and You alone will be supervising the Captain's recovery! That's it and that's final!" He draws in a deep breath and exhales loudly to emphasize his point, "Now, where was I? Oh yes – Captain the catheter will come out when the feeling in your groin has returned. If it comes out before then we'll be risking incontinence."

He rubs his eyes and looks at me apologetically. 'We'll get through this' his eyes tell me.

'I know', I blink back – 'but not before I reassemble some of those holographic subroutines… '


	8. Chapter 8

Chakotay sits on the edge of my bed moving my arms passively. The Doctor said the movement would stimulate the muscles and keep them from getting too stiff during my recumbence.

"So, how's my bridge?" I ask.

"Tuvok's got it under control. We're once again leaving Tevian space. Shame."

"I know, it was nice not to be shot at for a change," I smirk.

"It's always such a privilege not to be shot at out here in the Delta Quandrant" he retorts with a smile.

Over the next few days I work diligently with the Doctor and Chakotay. Thankfully I begin to regain a small bit of control over my limbs. Luckily, the Doctor determines that it's safe to remove the catheter, for which I am ever so grateful.

I still can't walk without a great deal of help. And by help, I mean Chakotay practically dragging me. But, at this point I'll take anything to get out of sickbay. I am craving a shower – one with actual water and not the humiliating "sponge baths" I'm getting from the Doctor. I still won't let Chakotay participate in that area of my care. It is too much. It's too personal. I am still too vulnerable. I know he would have done it. He wouldn't have given it a second thought. But I say no.

It's the fourth day of my stay in Sickbay and I've had enough.

"Doctor, I need to go back to my quarters" I state plainly.

"Well Captain," The Doctor knew this was coming. In truth, he'd expected her to demand a discharge from sickbay on her first day.

"I see no reason why you can't be discharged. However, you will need to be under constant supervision and-"

The doors to Sickbay hiss open bringing Chakotay in at his usual time for our daily breakfast.

"Ah! Commander. Excellent timing. I am going to be releasing the Captain to her quarters. She will need constant supervision, which I fully expect you to give. I'll arrange a site to site transport for the two of you – unless you'd like to try walking, Captain?"

In this case, I have long since given up any semblance of control. I know that the Doctor had the upper hand so I concede, "No, Doctor, a site to site will be just fine."

The smug hologram smiles, relishing his command, "Doctor to Transporter Room One"

"Transporter Room One here how may I help you, Doctor?"

"I need a site to site transport for the Captain and Commander Chakotay to her quarters, please"

"Right away sir."

I take one last look at Sickbay before I materialize in my own quarters. I have been standing during the transport, propped up against Chakotay's chest almost in an embrace. Now, in the darkness of my room I lean into his body. Without my boots my gaze is squarely in line with his chest. His arms hold me close, keeping me safely against him. I look around, and smile; he's cleaned my room for me. I don't think anyone has cleaned my room for me since I was five years old. I look at the bed. Oh Chakotay, how I must have scared you when you found me lying unconscious!

I thought back to all the times he was lying in sickbay or the times when he was stranded on a planet and I couldn't find him. I remembered all the times when he was ill, incapacitated. I felt like I feel now – how I felt when I first woke up – helpless.

"Do you want breakfast?" his velvet voice cut through the dark silence of my room.

"Yes, but first I – uh- I have to use the bathroom".

"OK."

He practically drags my near-limp body the few steps to the bathroom. In a moment, the reality of my situation becomes too real. Mentally I am brought back to the final months before my Nana had died. She'd become like I am now – incapacitated. She moved in with us. I was very young – seven at the most. But I still remember how mom and dad had to help her do everything. They had to get her on the toilet, bathe her, and feed her. Right now, I feel like my Nana at 116 years old and I am only 40.

I can't help it. I feel humiliated. Embarrassed. Here is the man that I well – I... Here is a member of my crew who I care dearly for. Every day I am strong for him. I am independent and self sufficient and now I am reduced to having him help me go to the bathroom since I can't yet fully move my arms.

Tears form in the corner of my eyes and I try to muffle a small sob. But, like the attentive man he is, he doesn't let it go unnoticed. His arm curl tighter around my side as we arrive in the modestly sized bathroom. In that moment, I hate him for it. I hate him for being strong and having use of his two legs and two arms. Why is he healthy while I'm no better than an invalid?! I want to scream at him. I want to hit him. I want to scream and rail at the Universe for putting me here. But nothing comes. No shouts. Nothing. Only tears.

"Kathryn" he whispers. He props my listless body against the edge of the tub. Luckily, some of the innervation to my core has returned enough for me to sit upright, but not without help.

"Kathryn," he whispers again, only a little louder this time. He lifts my chin and dislodged tears slide off my cheeks and into my lap.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Sorry. That's all he can be. "Why?!" I shout at him amid the sobs, "Why me, Chakotay? Goddammit! Is this my penance? Is this how Universe's punishes me for stranding 150 good people away from their families? Is this my retribution for that decision? I can't even piss on my own! I can't do anything for myself. I'm useless. I can't command this ship. I can't do anything. I'm so useless. Just airlock-"

"KATHRYN!" he shouts. I've never heard him use that tone of voice before – not with me. It is sharp, cutting, firm. "No. Don't do this Kathryn. You can't do this again. I know-" he exhales sharply, "I know you're upset. Hell I know you're beyond upset. But this isn't your fault. Things sometimes just happen. People get sick. You get sick and thankfully you'll get better. But please, Kathryn, please don't do it again. 5 months ago I almost lost you in that Void. I almost lost my best friend and…"

He stopped talking and looked away from me as I saw tears hit the bathroom floor.

"And what Chakotay?" I whisper.

He looks back at me, "Nothing. Another time. Would your prefer I get a female crewmember in here to help you with this?"

In fairness, that's how the situation should be handled, but I'm too proud and I don't want anyone but him, the Doctor, and Tom Paris to see me like this.

"No, it's fine. Let's just get it over with." I am defeated.

"I won't look – Promise".

He lifts my listless body up from the edge of the tub and supports me as he draws my standard Starfleet issue underwear down around my knees. Slowly he lowers me onto the toilet. When I think about it, what he's doing for me is a far more intimate gesture than sex ever could be. During the act of making love, two people are at their 'best'. All 'errant' bodily functions are excluded in favour of the more erotic ones. However, here is this man. This wonderful bear of a man is holding me while I relieve myself. All the anger that I feel towards him washes away as he gently wipes me and flushes the toilet. In a moment, I am overcome with love for him. I am completely overtaken with the love that I have kept bottled up and closed behind my Captain's mask.


	9. Chapter 9

Learning to depend on another person so completely is a new experience for me. If you are lucky, you'll only be this dependent on another person during infancy and childhood. But here I am, in my 40s, and I am completely and utterly dependent on my First Officer for every single one of my needs.

"What do you want for breakfast?" he asks as he sets me down at the table. I sit propped against the side of my chair, "coffee".

He smiles, "vintage Kathryn" and orders a coffee from the replicator.

"Who are you calling 'vintage', mister?" I laugh in return as he tilts the lukewarm cup of coffee to my lips.

I breathe in, inhaling the rich, comforting aroma, and take a big gulp. The dark drown concoction warms me as it goes down. I let the acrid taste linger on my tongue and I smile, "boy, I missed that!"

He grins at me again, his eyes alight with amusement, "Now Kathryn, you know the saying…"

"What saying?"

"Woman shall not live on coffee alone".

"Well this woman does" I retort defiantly.

"Well not today. I have a full schedule written up for us by yours truly of exercises aimed at getting your strength back. So, no griping! What food do you want for breakfast?"

Chakotay patiently feeds me a replicated cheese omlette. When I was a child, we didn't have a replicator. My mother was adamant that we not become too dependent on technology. Yes, by that time the replicator had already been in use for over 100 years, but still she found something so sensual and uniquely human about preparing her own food. I've never come across anyone else who so thoroughly enjoyed the process of scrutinizing, choosing, touching and preparing her own food. To her, it was a religious experience and replicators were blasphemy. On our farm we had chickens. When Phoebe and I were still kids we'd always been tasked with going out to the chicken coop and collecting the eggs. Once we'd done so, mom made up omlettes with the fresh eggs. I'll never forget the taste of those omlettes. Sadly, this replicated version leaves a heap to be desired and, much to Chakotay's chagrin, I decline to eat more than half. I was really only eating it to appease Chakotay and to convince him to give me the rest of my coffee.

"So, what has yours truly assigned us today?" I ask as my last sip of coffee makes it's way into my stomach.

"Well he wants us to try walking again and then later he's given us some arm and wrist movements".

We look over the padd with the instructions. First we start with simple standing. Standing takes most of the day. Because the virus attacked many of the nerves in the lumbar plexus, they can't integrate the signals coming from my motor cortex and spinal cord. Hence the muscles in my hip, thigh, and leg are unresponsive. But, the Doctor assures me that stimulating those pathways with active 'exercise' will help to re-integrate the signals. In essence, I am building new pathways.

After what seems like my hundredth attempt at standing up without Chakotay's support, I am frustrated. He senses it, though, before I say it.

"Let's take a break. It's noon. Are you hungry?" It's odd to hear him speak again. I hadn't actively realized it, but we hadn't spoken during the exercise. I often notice that my relationship with Chakotay is quite simply, in a word, comfortable. Before I met him, I had never been able to simply sit comfortably with another person in a room without speaking for hours on end. But, he and I have our own private language. We communicate in looks, glances, small movements, or subtle changes in posture; sometimes words aren't necessary.

"No, but I have to pee again."

I stand for the 101th time that day and he leads me into the bathroom. I lean into his solid body as his hands move down to my waist to the top of my briefs. Again, the intimacy of the gesture is not lost on me. All of a sudden and with a slight twinge of shame, I feel subtly aroused. He gingerly sits me down on the seat. I quickly learned to urinate with an audience. But with him, it isn't an audience. He does not look. He makes no expression. He just stands patiently looking away – allowing me to take care of things. In a second I realized how terribly cowardly I had been for the past four years. Peripherally, I felt him wipe me and then I heard the toilet flush.

"Kathryn" he says quietly, "Are you alright?"

"Kathryn?" he shakes my shoulder rousing me from my reverie.

"And? What were your going to say after 'and'?"

"Sorry?"

He holds me a little farther back from his chest and looks down at me. My eyes meet his, "A few hours ago we were here and you said 'and' and then your never finished what were saying. You said 'I almost lost my best friend and'. Well what came after 'and'?"

He pulls me back into his chest and we began walking out of the bathroom. Suddenly I smile and looked down, my legs have started to move weakly in step with his.


	10. Chapter 10

He looks down and a large silly grin spreads across his face as he sees my legs move. He taps his combadge, "Chakotay to Doctor"

"How is the Captain, Commander?"

"Good news, doctor, her legs have started to move!"

"That's wonderful, Commander. I've been doing some additional reading of the information that the Tevians gave us on the virus and combined with my own scans of the Captain, I don't expect her recovery to take too long. If she keeps up this pace, she'll have adequate use of her limbs in two weeks time! Oh and Commander, don't forget that I have an appointment with the Captain tomorrow morning at 10:00 hours! Doctor out."

"Well?" he grins.

"Well, you never finished telling me about 'and'."

"Walk over to the couch with me and we'll talk about 'and'. And, I have a few questions of my own. But before all of that, I'm feeding you lunch."

I roll my eyes, "I'm not hungry".

"You're never hungry, Kathryn. That's why you have me to badger you".

Coming back to the couch, he carries a cheese sandwich cut into bite sizes pieces. He knows by the look on my face; I am ready to negotiate.

He smiles, "I'll answer your questions if and only if you eat half of this sandwich. That's my final offer."

I eat the sandwich as quickly as he serves it. Soon, though, I reach my limit, "That's half, Chakotay". His hands go up in surrender and he begins to eat the rest himself.

He can't resist, "who is she Kathryn?"

"What comes after 'and'? Wait, what?"

"She. Who is she? Who looks just like me?"

"I'm sorry, Chakotay but I don't know what you're –". I feel the colour drain from my face. I feel cold. My heart rate speeds up and it feels uncomfortable against my chest. Did I say something? Please no. No. This isn't the way I want to tell him. This isn't how he should find out.

"What comes after 'and'?"

His features slacken and he becomes serious, "I think you know what comes after 'and'. I think you've known for a long time. I've never hidden it. Who is she?"

In that moment I feel so ashamed. This patient, wonderful man is so vulnerable with me. To everyone else he is a mighty force to be reckoned with – a fierce and angry warrior. For five years, he has stood by me, never wavering – always supportive, always showing me that he loves me. He caught me every time I fell and I'd never told him. But yet, in my dreams, I have lived a whole life with him.

Suddenly, I feel foolish and avert my eyes from his. But he deserves to know. He needs to know as much as I need to tell him.

"She's us. She's ours," I whisper softly. Tears fall and I make no effort to stop them. "And she's so beautiful."

His tears fall as well. He moves close to me and gathers me in his arms, cradling my limp form with tender reverence. He buries his nose in my hair and his tears christen me, ushering me into a new life. I want to hold him. I want to wipe his tears like he does mine, but my arms are still too weak. But I feel. I feel him beneath me. He's solid. He's warm.

My face is buried in the hollow of his neck. His scent surrounds me – comforts me. It's seems like forever as he holds me in the quiet, punctuated only by our sniffles and muffled sobs. We cry for all the time that has been lost. We cry for all the times we needed to be close, but could not be. We cry for an uncertain future. We cry because we are free. We cry because we love.

Love.

"I love you," I whisper. "I love you in my dreams. All these years I couldn't let myself love you here - I loved you there. Chakotay, I fantasize about you. I imagine the way we make love: the words you whisper, the way your skin feels against mine. I imagine you so many times and in so many ways. There, we live in a house together – it's by the ocean. We listen to the crashing waves lull us to sleep at night. The sea breeze blows through the open doors in our bedroom and cools our damp skin after hours of lovemaking. We talk and we laugh. I tickle you, and once you've had enough you pin me under your body and kiss me until we're both breathless."

When I say it out loud, I feel embarrassed. But, I feel cleansed. He doesn't say anything, so I tell him about her, "and one night I went to sleep and there she was, Chakotay". I giggle at the memory and a smile stays plastered to my face, "she's so-"

"Small. But she's perfect. She's cradled to your breast. She looks just like me – dark hair and brown, nearly black eyes." He's seen her too.

He positions himself so that he's looking right at me. He notices the look of shock on my face, "Yes, I've seen her too".

With one hand he delicately supports my neck, and with the other he cradles my jaw, "and the woman I love. And the woman I can't live without. And the woman I'm going to marry. And the woman whose name is going to be the first thing I say when I wake in the morning and the last thing I say as I go to sleep at night. And the woman who will bear my child. And the woman whose name will be the last word I ever speak when departing from this life. That's what came after 'and'."

I smile amid the tears as he kisses me. His lips are as soft and plaint beneath mine - just as I imagined them to be. He runs his tongue across my lower lip and I open my mouth to him. I brush my tongue across his and then go a little further and swirl it over his two front teeth. He tastes sweet. He tastes like nothing I've ever experienced and I can't get enough. I'll sound like a terrible cliché if I say that the kiss is more than everything that my dreams are made of, and I have a vivid imagination.

For now a kiss is enough. Our kiss seals our promises. Our kiss is the start of our new life.


	11. Chapter 11

I wake that next morning with a dull ache in my bladder and it's at that point that I finally smell myself. It's been a day and a half since the last "sponge bath" that I received in Sickbay and I'm not leaving my quarters smelling like this. I feel his body spooned next to me. I feel his arousal pressed into my back and I feel myself growing wet. But, no I would not make love to him like this – especially not smelling like this. He kisses my neck, "no" I whisper, "not like this".

"I'm content to kiss you," he whispers heatedly as he feathers butterfly kisses over my ears.

I smile, "you might be, but junior there isn't!"

His dimples are showing, "Sorry".

"No you're not!" I laugh.

"You're right, I'm not. You're beautiful, sensual-"

"Crippled" I bitterly interject.

"Uh-uh" he shakes his head against my breast as he presses kisses over my shirt in between my breasts, "No interrupting. Now where was I? Oh yes, extremely sexy, and that voice! Just the sound of your voice, Kathryn, is enough to send me over the edge."

Now I am laughing – belly laughing – "My voice?! My deep manly voice that the kids at school used to make fun of? I had my suspicions, but now I know you're crazy!"

"Crazy for you." He grins, amused by his own cheesiness, and begins feathering kisses over my stomach.

"I need to take a shower."

"Sonic or Regular?"

"Well, I was thinking that Regular would be a bit more fun" I beam deviously.

This morning I am able to stand on my own and some basic functions are evident in my hands and arms. Still I stand motionlessly in front of him, still leaning into him. The room slowing fills with steam as the shower water pelts against the tile floor and glass shower walls. Neither of us speaks, for this is the place for our secret language. We want to savour this time. We want to catalogue every touch, every sight, every sigh and every taste. To begin, he appears almost hesitant. His hands skitter over my clothes as if he's afraid to touch me. And then, he gains his footing and lifts my arms, supporting them on his shoulders and he removes my top. He's breathless. He stares. He looks at me with those eyes. He regards at me with that gaze that I saw in my dream, only this time it's real. And then he smiles and unhooks my bra. I've always been insecure about my size – like the rest of me, they're puny. Justin made a comment once in passing. I don't think he thought it was significant at the time, but it fueled my inadequacy for a long time. I don't think Mark even noticed. I don't think Mark noticed much of anything other than Mark. But Chakotay looks at me and smiles; to him, I am perfect. He bends down, still supporting me – needlessly at this stage – and removes my briefs. I am used to the motion by now, but this time it takes on a different meaning. I am completely naked and he is still clothed. I am growing impatient and he knows it. Truthfully, he enjoys making me wait. It's only fair – I've done the same to him for the last four years. A crooked smile tugs at the corner of my mouth and he laughs as a removes his shirt. He looks different now: a little thinner, but still the same beautiful man. And then he moves to his waist, unbuckles his pants and lets them slide down his narrow hips. I smile when I see what's next. The man is truly insatiable and I am flattered, to say the least. He wags his eyebrow and I laugh out loud as he divests the last remaining item and now he stands as naked as I am. I look at him fully now. He's beautiful and I'll spend my whole life worshiping this body that holds an even more striking spirit and soul.

Slowly he leads me under the jets of warm water and I let the water sooth my weak muscles. He looks at me, staring right through me. I'm drawn to him, like a magnet. His mouth finds me. His hands cover my breasts and envelop them fully. He wants me. I want him. I want him so desperately that I ache. "Yes," I whisper. He knows. He smiles. Gingerly he backs me up into the wall behind me as his hands continue their reverent exploration. His right hand travels lower and tangles in the curls at the apex of my thigh, but I shake my head, "No, just you". He understands as he lifts me, draping my right leg over his left hip. He enters me with one swift movement. The speed of his undertaking allows me to evade most of the discomfort that a slower movement would have evinced. Five and a half years – longer really – is a long time. I press myself against his solid frame, and though he hasn't moved yet, I can feel the pressure and the release build. I cry out and he begins to move. I knew all along that our first time would be quick, but I have never in my life come this quickly or intensely and I suspect that he hasn't either. But, it doesn't matter. It is still wonderful. And then, even more intimate than the act that we just together committed, he does something else that takes me breath away. He washes me. He washes every inch of me, leaving nothing untouched. I knew he would, but the actual act of him doing it is poignant and for the hundredth time this past week, my eyes water. No one has ever loved me like he does. His love his pervasive. He sees every flaw, every scar, and every insecurity, and gently kisses them away.


	12. Chapter 12

"Doctor to Commander Chakotay?"

He looks over at me. We've been caught, the smile creases of his eyes tell me. We're late. Truthfully, we haven't looked at the clock all morning.

When I used to look at him – really look at him, I was imagining what lay under his uniform, catching small glimpses here and there during staff meetings and briefings. I covertly monitored his form when he stood in front of me on the bridge. I wished that I had X-ray vision. But now, now that I have seen and felt what lies beneath, I look at him differently. Now, I have catalogued every angle, every jutting bone, every bulging muscle. I have felt him in my inmost parts, pressing against my womb – tugging and hinting at a promise. And I want that promise. I want all of it.

However, in spite of our lovemaking, our ecstasy, our declarations, and our promises, our relationship - much like my body- has not been fixed.

He winks at me, "Chakotay here. Sorry we're late, Doctor. We're on our way."

"Chakotay to Transporter Room 1"

"Transporter Room 1. How Can I help you, Commander?"

"Two to transport from the Captain's quarters to Sickbay."

The Doctor beams as he sees me standing on my own, "I see you're up and about, Captain! This is good news."

I look up at Chakotay and he has a silly grin on his face, "Yes. But I still can't walk on my own. But I am regaining some movement in my arms."

"Not to worry, Captain. You're already recovering at a remarkable rate. Need I remind you that you were only released from Sickbay yesterday morning? Aside from a magic wand and enchanted incantation – I don't know what else we can do. Have you been doing the exercises that I wrote out for you?"

I blushed deep crimson, "Well, not exactly."

He frowns and pulls out his tricorder, "Well, I can see from your elevated endorphin and endocrine levels that you haven't been simply reclining on the couch… In any case, all movement is good – especially the more integrated ones" he winks approvingly. "However, I want to stress that you not overdo it. While you may think that pushing yourself will get the job done faster, the reality is that the nerves and the muscles need time to rest, regenerate, and build new pathways".

I can tell that we're blushing like two teenagers who've just been caught in the act by their parents. But, the Doctor continues nonchalantly, "today I would like to fit you for a walking cane so that you can start moving about independently and we need to do exercises targeted at your arms".

Moving to the table behind him he picks up a small red ball, "this is what early Earth physiotherapists referred to as a "stress ball". Hold out your hand as much as your can."

I weakly move my arm. Though the Doctor thinks that I'm upset that I am not immediately back to my normal energetic self, the truth is that for now I am content to let this process play out. This is a new side of my personality that I am just beginning to explore. In the five years since we've been stranded in the Delta Quadrant, I've never been content to simply be. I almost never take shore leave – and when I do I bring my work. Right now, I can't fully move my arms or my legs, and I'm too tired to look over padds and padds of data. For now, I am comfortable in letting this process play out. I almost enjoy the tedious route of retraining my non-complaint body. It presents a new set of challenges that I am eager to overcome. But, more than that, I secretly revel in letting Chakotay take care of me. I am relishing this new faucet of our relationship that I would have not allowed had I never fallen ill.

I hold out my hand, encouraged by the steady movement that my arm is gaining with every attempt. I remain focused on the ball, attempting to grab it from the Doctor's grasp for the better part of an hour. By the end of that hour, I am able to extend my hand and weakly curl my fingers. Progress.

Our next hour is focused on fitting me for a cane. A cane. Initially, I feel like an old man, but once I realize the independent mobility that it's giving me I stop underestimating it.

I hobble about on the cane. Chakotay's still smiling at me. He hasn't stop smiling. He doesn't say anything during my time in therapy with the Doctor, but his presence is enough. He knows that I am not a child and I do not need to be cooed or coddled, so he's content to let me fall and bruise myself, fail and then get back up and I love him all the more for it.


	13. Chapter 13

"What do you want for lunch?"

I'm tired. Five hours in Sickbay with the Doctor's sardonic subroutines and exercises aimed at getting my strength back not to mention hours of lovemaking this morning, "I'm not hungry. I want to take a nap".

I amble over to the couch and let myself fall into it. I close my eyes – just resting them.

"Fine," his weight settles next to be, "but don't fight me when dinner comes." He's tired too. More than he'll admit, the past week has been a drain. He hasn't slept, hasn't eaten. He's been through every single emotion: worry, terror, agony, elation, and passion.

"Do you want to go to your bed?"

"Mmm" I grunt. Yes. Bed. It's a lovely notion, but I'm too tired to get there by myself. So, he carries me. People always complain about them, but I've grown to love these stiff Starfleet issue mattresses. I feel his presence leave, "stay" I mumble. So he stays. He lies against my back. One arm supports my head while the other drapes possessively around my waist, his hand splayed protectively over my abdomen reminding me of her. Unconsciously I smile and capitulate to sleep.

His thumb strums over my belly and moves up to my ribs, the underside of my breast, and brings me back to consciousness. I'm warm. Blissful. His lips kiss my neck and I roll over to look at him. I've seen him every day for the past five years. I think of the first day that I saw him. He materialized on the bridge, ready to pounce on me like a cat. But, he didn't. I had been sent to capture him – bring him to 'justice', but the Universe had other plans. Yes. The Universe knows how to manipulate Kathryn Janeway. Our whole journey – both in the Delta Quadrant and more intimately here in the bedroom has been scripted from the very beginning. Hit by this sudden revelation, I smile.

"What?"

"You and I," I whisper.

"What about us?" he kisses my hair.

"We were always meant to be together, weren't we?"

He lifts his face from my hair and his eyes meet my own and he smiles. For a moment, he says nothing, unsure if my question was rhetorical or demanded a response. But, in the end, he feels the need to respond, "Always".

The exercises on my hands and arms have been having an effect and I am able to bring my right hand to his face. Emotion swells within me as I slowly caress his brow. He closes his eyes and bows his head, relishing my touch and accepting it as a benediction. I trace the black pattern above his eye, memorizing it with my flesh.

"Thank you" the words seem so inadequate for the gratitude that I feel towards him.

"Why are you thanking me?"

"Because you're patient with me"

"I'm patient with you because I love you"

"You've never pushed me, why?"

"Because I knew you'd come to me in your own time"

"How long would you have waited, Chakotay? We're supposed to be out here for 60 years. Were you going to wait all that time?"

"Yes."

"Why? You want a family. A wife. If this hadn't happened to me – if I hadn't let her slip – you would never have known."

"Have you already forgotten your epiphany a few moments ago?"

"What?"

"We were always meant to be together. She was always meant to be. If it hadn't been like this, there would have been another opportunity". Chakotay's spiritual beliefs and his trust in an unknown hand – a cosmic director- have become comforting to be in the years since he began to speak with me about it. I had been raised without religion or spirituality. Before I met Chakotay, everything was random. Humans and all other life forms were a cosmic mistake. Yes I know this belief isn't particularly rational given the complexity and diversity of our universe, but it's what I'd always been taught and I never questioned it. But, Chakotay has shown me that there are things that my textbooks and microscopes can't explain. We are one of those things.

"I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry?"

"For hurting you, Chakotay. I've hurt you over and over these past few years."

"No. You needed time".

"No one has ever loved me like you do. I'm scared of you, sometimes".

"Why are you scared, Kathryn?"

"What if I lose you?"

"You won't."

"You can't promise that."

"What if I lose you?" he turns the question back on me.

"I don't know."


	14. Chapter 14

Uncertainty. Uncertainty is what I have trained myself to get used to over the past five years. In point of fact, uncertainty is the focal point of our journey. But in the past week, that uncertainty has become a little more certain.

"I need to get back to work. It's been 9 days since I woke up. I can move my hands and I can get around well enough without my cane. I can't run a marathon, but I can manage."

"Captain," he sighs, "it's still too soon. 9 days is nothing! I know you feel better. I know you feel like things are getting easier – and they are. But, I need you to give yourself more time".

I'm frustrated. I feel fine! I know that a few days ago I was content to let this process play out. But, now I am itching to get back into a routine.

"Doctor," Chakotay speaks up, "I can personally attest to how well she's doing. What about a few hours on the Bridge each day? She wouldn't do a full shift, but at least a few hours".

This poor holographic doctor! Most days I silently pity his subroutines having to put up with me. He's more patient than any other physician has been – and that's not saying much. I knew puppy dog eyes and sad pitiful faces wouldn't work, but I'd give it my best shot.

"Very well. There's not much I can do to stop you, I suppose. But first, Captain, do you know why you contracted this virus?" In his tone of voice, I feel a melancholy and pedagogical speech coming.

I haven't a clue. Cosmic payback?

"It was you and Commanders Chakotay and Tuvok who beamed down to the Tevian 8 for the trade negotiations. Though I can't speak for Vulcan physiology, you and the Commander are both human. Commander Chakotay did not come down with the virus. Only you." He draws in a histrionic breath and continues, "Captain, more than anyone on this ship, you push yourself. You punish yourself. You deny yourself rest and nutrition. In essence it was your tendencies as a chronic workaholic that led you to have poor immunity and allowed you to become vulnerable to the virus. I'm not going to stop you from going back to work, but I want to caution you about this type of behavior in the future. You might not always be this lucky."

He's right. I hate to concede, but he's right. I look up at Chakotay, "I'll look after her doctor. We won't overdo it".

Before the doors to my cabin close, his golden hands are around my waist, pulling me into him. He finds that ticklish spot just above my buttock and lightly brushes his fingers over it, making me giggle. I mock frown at him, "I thought you promised the Doctor we wouldn't overdo it?"

He leans down, brushes my hair away from my neck and starts feathering open-mouthed kisses all the way to my clavicle making me moan in desire. I don't know how he does it, but with one touch he has me under a spell.

"I seem to recall that he was talking about work," he draws away stepping back from me, smirking, "but you're right…"

"Oh no!" I grab his shirt and haul him back over the short distance, "you're not getting away that easily, Mister."

I smile and he closes the distance between us. Suddenly the clothing on our bodies becomes a barrier. This is the first time that we'll make love with my hands fully able to touch him. It's tiring, but I don't care. I want to feel him. I want to touch the length of him. I'm jealous. He's already touched me. He's touched all of me. He's tasted every inch of my skin and now it's my turn. I'm like a kid on Christmas morning, tearing the wrapping off of my new toy. But unlike a new toy, this one will never lose its novelty. First his shirt, his pants, then his boxers – one by one they all come off. I stop, extending the moment. All of our previous times have been feverish. Neither of us could wait to crawl inside each other. This time, though, we need to slow down. It's hard, though. We want one another. Both of us want to feel the other and the pleasure that we give to each other. But this time, I want to try.

He smiles, "are we finally trying for the slow and romantic?"

"Too much for your self control?" I laugh.

It is too much. He's panting almost. His erection is painful.

My hand reaches down between us and I touch him. I'm grateful for my recovered mobility as a wrap around him, "Kathryn don't – I won't last". I pity him. He's trying so hard.

I smile again and bring my mouth to his, "to hell with slow and gentle". That was all the encouragement he needed. He was feverish again. I'd never been with such a lover. In fact, I'd only ever been with Justin and Mark. Justin was young and inexperienced. We'd shared intensity - but it was the kind borne of youth and hormones. With Mark, nothing was passionate. He was old school: two minutes in the dark, then both parties roll over, have a good cry, and fall asleep. Chakotay is a new experience and one that is a little different every time. He pulls me the few paces to the bed. My heart rate speeds more and more. We've done this before, but it's still new. I have a feeling that it'll always be that way. He starts to kiss all the way down my body and even though I love it when he does that – I don't need more preparation, "Chakotay," I gasp, "Just do it." Truthfully, I'm just as impatient as he is. I smirk and sigh inwardly; will we ever make it to slow and romantic?


	15. Chapter 15

It feels good to put my uniform back on. The boots, though - they take a little getting used to again. I hate wearing these boots, but in some ways they give me a necessary advantage – many find height to be an intimidating quality. I never could understand the way my family's genetics worked. My father was over 6 feet. My mother is 5'9. Phoebe is 5'10. I'm 5'3. Barely. Fine. I'm 5'2.5 and if I fluff my hair up enough I'll make it to 5'3. I think Chakotay likes my height. He finds it sweet that my head barely reaches his chin. He towers above me and he's able to feel be protective. My bear. My Angry Warrior.

Just another day on the bridge. I still feel little residual stiffness in my hands and legs, but it's not noticeable if I don't dwell on it. I promised myself, Chakotay, and the Doctor that I wouldn't overdo it on my first day back. I usually renege on promises made to myself, but I can't with Chakotay. It's been almost two weeks since I was back in my command chair and I am chomping at the bit.

The familiar hiss of the turbolift ushers me onto the bridge and I see the faces of my crew. My wonderful, superb crew. Such a rag tag group, we are: Starfleet, Maquis, Borg, Talaxian!

"Captain on the Bridge" Tuvok hails.

I'm touched as everyone stands, "Good to have you back, Captain" Harry Kim beams.

"You look great, Captain" Tom Paris smiles before he turns back to his console.

Sam Wildman, beautiful Sam, gets up from her station and walks over to me. She touches my shoulders and draws me tentatively into a hug, throwing protocol to the side. None of my crew – other than Chakotay – has ever hugged me, "we were all so worried about you, Captain," she draws back. "Naomi badgered Neelix about you every day."

I grin back at her, letting her know it's ok to hug me. We're a family, after all, "tell her I'll stop by later this week for a game of Kadiskot".

She beams, "I'll tell her, Captain. She'll be so pleased."

This tender moment, though, is not lost on the forces of the Delta Quadrant. That's how it works, you see: just when you are starting to get comfortable, it pulls the rug out.

Suddenly, the bridge shakes violently.

"Report!"

"Captain, two cloaked ships are materializing off the port bow."

"Shields up. Hail them!"

"They are responding to our hail," Tuvok's is voice always calm.

"On Screen."

Two blue-skinned, hefty aliens with ridges on their forehead and arms appeared looking rather angry.

"Who are you? Why are you here in our space?"

"My name is Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager. We're sorry about our intrusion. We mean you no harm. We had no idea that this was a protected area of space. We are on a peaceful mission to get home back to the Alpha Quadrant."

The features of the aliens smoothed once they realized they were not being threatened, "the Alpha Quadrant?" the two intoned.

"Yes it's our home. We've been stranded in this quadrant for 5 years now."

"My, my, my," the larger of the two blue beings mused, "you certainly are far from home!"

I just smiled. These aliens didn't appear hostile, but something in their tone is a little off; I decided to go along.

"Yes, we've charted a course back to the Alpha Quadrant and according to our route, the fastest way to get there is through your territory of space. Would you be willing to grant us safe passage?"

"I'm sorry, Captain, but like I said this area of space is protected. I sympathise with your situation, but we can't allow you to pass through our space".

"And why not? As you can see, we mean you no harm."

"Yes, Captain, but the other species that live in this sector of space are extremely xenophobic. Much like you have experienced already, they – like us – will not hesitate to fire on your vessel. And, most ships are larger and more advanced than ours – your vessel will not survive. I would advise you to chart another course."

"Very well. But, in that case, we are going to need some extra supplies. Do you trade in dilithium crystals?"

"Yes, Captain. This sector is abundant is dilithium. However, for dilithium we require Copper. Copper is hard to find and near impossible to mine."

"Very well. Would a representative of your crew be willing to come aboard and negotiate the trade?"

"Yes, Captain."

"Thank you, Captain. Tell your representative to standby." The screen goes back to black and stars.

I hang my head. Why is nothing ever simple in the Delta Quadrant? I tap my combadge, "Janeway to Seven of Nine"

"Seven of Nine. How may I help you Captain?" the even Borg tone replies.

"Seven we won't be able to travel through this area of space. Chart a course for an alternate route."

"Very well, Captain."

"Janeway to Neelix"

"Neelix here, Captain."

"Mr. Neelix, we're having a representative come on board to negotiate a trade of dilithium for copper. Meet him in Transporter Room 2 and barter a fair trade. We need 400 grammes of dilithium at least, but see if they'll give us more. I'm informed that dilithium is abundant in this sector so hopefully they won't cling so tightly to it. Let them know that 300 grams of copper are all we can manage. Let me know if you have any issues. Janeway out."

I let out a long breath. I look around the bridge. Poor Harry Kim always looks so dejected when things don't go as planned. His sad baby face always gets to me. He misses his family. Every time we run into obstacles like this it adds more to time to our journey. More time that he'll miss away from his parents, his home. I can't do any more on the bridge and I promised the Doctor and Chakotay I'd take it easy. Truth be told, I'm tired.

"Commander, you have the Bridge. I'll be in my Ready Room."

Today's situation on the bridge was not unique by any means. Dealing with non-compliant aliens is not unique. Adding more years to our journey is not unique. But for some reason today was unique. Today was the first day that I faced one of my greatest fears. Today I sat on the bridge with Chakotay. I know the feel of his body inside of mine. I have felt his breath on my face, his tongue sliding past mine, and then gentle caress of his hand on my breast. I've heard him whisper words of love and lust into my ear and I've heard him scream my name is the throes of passion just like I have screamed his. And yet, today I sat with him as a colleague. What was it that I was so afraid of for all these years with him? Now I can't remember. Oh, that's right: I was worried that I wouldn't be able to command a starship if he and I were lovers. I was worried that I would lose my focus. Yes, it's only been one day and truthfully, this wasn't the most hostile alien species that we've encountered. I did not have to send him anywhere dangerous: he was still right by my side, giving me the gentle support he always has. But all of that is irrelevant. The truth is that today on the bridge I felt more at ease. Something over the past two weeks has shifted. I woke up 12 days ago completely paralysed. I had to relearn how to live my life. My heart and my focus, like my nerves, have had to find new pathways to function and thrive. I sit back in my chair; this new revelation opens before me and renews me.

I am stirred from my reverie by the chime of the door.

"Come"

I smile. "Captain," he's all work and no play, "Neelix was successful and obtaining 500 grams of dilithium. Apparently, it is abundant."

"Leave it to Neelix to go above and beyond the call of duty!"

He smiles back and continues. "And I stopped by Astrometrics," I take the padd he's offering and active it. "According to Seven's alternate route, we'll be able to keep our estimated ETA give or take eight weeks depending on whether we're at high or low warp."

"Looks good. Tell Tom to plot a course".

He drops his shoulders, and in doing so he drops the aura of formality as I let out a yawn. He grins at me, "Dinner? And don't say you're not hungry!"

"Actually, I'm starved."


	16. Chapter 16

"Kadiskot!" Naomi squeals as she pulls the pieces off the board. Naomi is Voyager's resident Kadiskot champion. I don't even think either Tuvok or Seven have beaten her yet -quite a feat.

I smile as her long red hair brushes against my arm. In some way, Naomi is a glimpse into my own past. She's carefree and happy. She's smart, inquisitive, and always caring and sensitive. 150 adults on this ship adore her; she's the baby and always the center of attention.

I sit back; it's been a long day. The bridge was uneventful, but even boredom can be tiring. I'm usually not this tired, but even with seven cups of coffee, I am dragging.

Naomi turns in her seat. She's only 6, but because of her Katarian DNA she's maturing at a rapid rate. Most days, I want to make it stop. I want her to stay little Naomi Wildman forever. But I can't wait to see the woman that she's going to become – that she's already becoming.

"I'm really glad you're better, Captain. We were all really worried about you".

"Thank you, Naomi. I was worried too."

"I don't think anyone was more worried about you than Commander Chakotay, though. He took care of you didn't he?"

"Yes, Naomi, he did."

"Captain, I know I'm not supposed to say anything but I feel that I should – you know, as Captain's Assistant and all. Permission to speak freely?"

I laugh and I hear the laughter grace my voice as a try to assume a formal tone, "go ahead, crewman".

"Well, everyone talks about it so I guess it's not really a secret. Everyone says that the Commander's in love with you and that you love him. Is that true?"

From the mouth of babes, "Yes, Naomi, that's true".

She beams. So do I.

He's sitting on the couch going over padds when I walk in.

"How was kadiskot? Did you win?"

"That'll be the day! No. But, our little secret is out."

"Was it ever a secret?" I hit him on the arm.

"Isn't this the part where you're supposed to act surprised?"

He holds up his hand in jest only to silence me, "Chakotay to Paris"

I'm amused: what's he up to?

"Paris here. What can I do for you, Commander?"

"Tom, I'd like to know – who won the betting pool?"

"Uh, sir?"

"Oh don't play coy, Tom. You know which betting pool," Chakotay laughed.

"Give me a minute. Ok well in order to pick the lucky winner I have to know the date and location".

"Just how detailed is this betting pool, Tom" I join in, laughter and amusement filling my voice.

"Well, let's see we have pools for date, time, and location."

"Location?!"

Nervously, "yeah well you know – declaration of love, first kiss…"

"April 14, 2375. And that's all you're getting! Janeway out." I tap his chest cutting off the conversation.

My giggles can't be contained, "can you believe that crew of ours? They bet on a location?! I have a feeling that Tom wasn't even telling the whole truth."

Chakotay laughs with me, full dimples on display, "hmm, Kathryn, I seem to forget the location? Do you remember?"

"You, mister, know full well the where and the when and the how!"

He leans closer to me on the couch. His movements are slow and purposeful, "You're right," he whispers as he pins me beneath him, "but remind me again". And I do as his mouth captures mine.


	17. Chapter 17

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I'm sure."

"Kathryn, this isn't how we planned it. I don't know if-"

"Life isn't how we planned it, Chakotay! If life went according to plan I'd be married to Mark right now, living in Indiana with 2 dogs!" I twirled around and fell onto the sofa in exasperation.

"Is that what you want?" he whispered bitterly.

"I wanted it then. Yes. I thought that was what I deserved. I was happy enough. It was good enough. I didn't think that there was anyone else. I didn't even know your name until a week before I left Earth. But now, Chakotay – we can't live in the future. We have to do this now."

He is scared. It isn't like Chakotay to be scared. He kneels in front of me, lifting my gaze to meet his own as he drops his hands to my lap.

"I want her too, Kathryn. I want all of them."

"Then let's drop the boosters. We'll let anyone on the ship who wants to start a family drop the boosters. We always knew this was a possibility. We knew that Voyager might become a generational ship. 60 years is a long time, Chakotay and unless something miraculous happens, that might be how long we have to wait – maybe longer. And I don't want to wait for her."

I know he's worried. I'm worried. But, truthfully – I'm excited. She's not even real yet and I want to meet her. I can see emotion warring in his features. But then, out of the war comes a peace.

He smiles, "Ok. Let's do it. But I have one stipulation."

I sit back, amused, "Alright, what is it?"

He says nothing. He just stares – boring into me. I hate it when he does this. He's like a little kid with a secret trying his best not to blurt it out. "Well are you going to make me guess?"

"You can if you want". He exasperates me.

He's enjoying this game. He's enjoying teasing me. "Chakotay, I don't know – grow my hair out, what?"

"Well that's an idea".

"Well what it is you big lug!?" A big grin spreads across my face as I knock him back against the carpeted floor.

He's still silent. But, I have my ways. And I do. I have breasts, add to that he finds me irresistible, and he's ticklish under his arms and I have a lethal set of interrogation tactics. I climb on top of him and straddle his hips. Suggestively I smooth my hands over his chest and I feel his erection stir underneath my bottom. Oh, I've got him now. Such a sucker!

"Ah! Kathryn!" he jumps and knocks me off. I can't stop laughing. That look on his face of utter surprise was completely priceless! I can't stop laughing as he rolls me underneath his warm body.

Tears stream down my cheeks as my laughter subsides, "what's your condition, Chakotay?"

The room becomes quiet, filled only with the sound of our breath, and subconsciously I know what's coming. I put my arms on his shoulders.

"Marry me, Kathryn."

And there it is.

It's the third time I've been proposed to, but it feels like the first. Even though I knew that eventually he would ask, the actual question still takes my breath away. This is not a request borne of a Tristan-and-Isolde-esq youthful love affair, nor it is a question borne of the desire for security and assurances. Chakotay is solely asking me to marry him because he wants to join his soul to mine. He wants to make a public declaration of something deeply spiritual. What else could I say? My heart, my head, and my spirit have made the decision for me.

"Yes."

He let out a breath and I realized that his whole body had been tense while he waited for my answer. How could he have even been nervous?


	18. Chapter 18

"Four requests already and we only set out the memo this morning!" I look at him from across my desk, "and 6 marriage certificate and ceremony requests. Did you have any idea that so many of the crewmembers were involved?"

"Well, I knew about Sam and Joe. They've been teetering on the border of a romance for a year now. But, I think it all changed once we set up the data stream with Starfleet."

"Yes," I muse, "aren't Sam and Joe both married?"

"Well, not anymore. Since we've been gone so long apparently both Sam's husband and Joe's wife thought they were dead. They've both gotten remarried and have new families."

"Ouch. How did Sam and Joe take the news?"

"Well, I don't know, but I think it helped that they had each other."

I smile, "what does Naomi think? I know she talks to you quite often."

"She's happy. Joe's been a constant in her life. She knows him. She's comfortable with him and he's very attentive to her – playing kadiskot, tutoring, taking her on Flotter adventures. She-" he smirked, "she thinks they make a 'cute couple'".

"No doubt. Oh, I'm happy for them!"

"What about Mortimer Herron and Angie Murt'hah?"

"Wait," I cough in shock as I feel my coffee go down the wrong tube, "What?! I don't think I saw that request!"

I grab the padd out of his hands. "Mortimer Herron! I can't believe that he's pairing off. I always thought he'd just stay at his post in the bowels of this ship, being contrary, making sardonic remarks, and trying in vain to disprove established math theorems until he became senile! And to Angie, no less! She either must be a saint or there is a whole other side to Mr. Herron that we know nothing about!" I can't wipe the amused smirk off my face – same goes for the coffee stain that has taken up residence on my jacket.

"Alright" I look up at the clock, 21:00, "Sickbay then dinner?" He's as tired as I am and we both want to repeal our boosters sooner rather than later.

The silence feels heavy in the turbolift as he takes my hand and turns me toward him, "computer halt lift".

Please, Chakotay no more doubts, let's just movie forward. His hand caresses my cheek, "Kathryn," he grins, "I'm not having doubts - none at all, in fact. I just want to know when and where you want to get married."

How does he do that? How does he know me so well? Am I that obvious?

"Soon. Now. Anywhere. I don't want to wait. Not for you. Not for us to begin our life together as husband and wife," I say with conviction. If there is anything in my life that I'm sure of, it's this man. I've never been so excited to be married before. After all, the act of committing to a marriage is relatively simple. And, truthfully, it won't really change our relationship. But, I want it. Even though the act itself is simple, I want what it implies. The Bible, an ancient Earth text, describes marriage as an act where a man cleaves to his wife and the two become one flesh. I can't think of a more fitting image.

"Kathyrn-"

"Engineering to Turbolift 2," B'Elanna's low alto intoned.

"Yes, B'Elanna?"

"Is there a problem with the lift? The computer shows it's been halted for five minutes. Do you need me to send a repair team?"

"No, thank you. I halted the lift. Sorry for the inconvenience."

"Not a problem. I just wanted to make sure there wasn't an issue. Torres out."

Sickbay 21:15

"Ah, Captain, Commander! How may I help the two of you?"

"Good evening, Doctor. We're here about the boosters. Both of us want the suppressant."

"Yes. You and every other couple on this ship!" For some reason the Doctor seemed almost exasperated.

I'm confused, "every other couple? Doctor, I've only received 6 requests for booster suppressants."

"I don't know what it is, Captain, but couples are coming out of the woodwork around here! Nearly all 15 of them have come to me this week to either have the booster suppressed or discuss options about booster suppression. Captain, are you sure that Voyager is prepared to handle a baby boom?"

I hadn't thought about the baby boom. Voyager is Intrepid Class. She's not a science vessel meaning that she has enough room on board to welcome a hefty crew compliment. Voyager was sent out with an original manifest of 140 crewmembers. We gained 30 Maquis when we sacrificed the Liberty. But we've also lost crewmembers as well – my former first officer, the chief medical officer, a nurse, and some others. Now we're at a steady 162. Voyager was designed to accommodate 200 if necessary, but even that leaves us little wriggle room. We'll manage. We'll make due. It's what we're good at.

"I see why you're worried, Doctor. But we're stuck out here and I can't tell these men and women that they can't have families. I can't take that away from them. I robbed them of it once when I stranded this ship here in the Delta Quadrant and I won't do it again." I look back at Chakotay as I continue, but more softly this time, "Doctor, we," I take his hand and entwine my fingers with his, "we want a family more than anything. It's what we've both always wanted. I can't allow myself to have this while denying it to the rest of my crew. So, yes, we'll make the best of it." I pull him to my side, "Please, Doctor give us the suppressant."

The Doctor looks defeated. He looks down and then a small grin tugs at his exaggerated smile lines, "in that case, Captain, Commander, best of luck". He pushes the hypospray into my neck and then Chakotays.

"Now I have to warn you. Now that I've suppressed the boosters, you'll start experiencing some side effects. Captain, you'll begin to menstruate again and you'll undoubtedly experience all the joys associated with that gift from Mother Nature. And Commander, you may experience a heightened level of aggression and a more vigorous libido."

I don't mean to. It's all very adolescent of me, but I can't help it, and I let out a small crack of laughter – this will be interesting. It's not like Chakotay needs help in the libido department. The manis positively unquenchable, not that I'm complaining. He squeezes my hand and pulls me towards the door, "Goodnight, Doctor".


	19. Chapter 19

Yes, the hallway is no place for a serious discussion, but this is Voyager. Normal rules don't always apply. I stop walking midway between the turbo lift and my quarters. Our hands are still entwined. Inertia pulls him back to me.

He's confused, "Kathryn, what is it?"

"I meant what I said earlier."

"About what?"

"Now." He's still confused, "I know Neelix is going to want to make a fuss: a cake, a party. Tom is going to want to throw a bachelor party for you. The girls are going to want to throw a hen party for me. They're going to want a big ceremony – a big celebration. But, I don't want any of that, I – "

He's doing it again. He smiles and kisses me in understanding. The corridors are empty so we aren't going to scandalize the 'kids' (I know they love it, though). "Shhh. I know that being Captain is center stage enough for you. I think you know me enough to know that don't want any of that either. So, what?"

"You. Me. Tuvok. Tom. B'Elanna. Lake George. Tonight – before dinner."

"Should we tell them beforehand?"

"Let's surprise them".

We have enough replicator rations saved between the two of us for the rings: two plain gold bands. I have a cream coloured dress I've never worn hanging in the back of my closet. Mom gave it to me before I left.

"You never know, you might need it one day, Katie. You know – one of those dress functions. A party maybe!" She wouldn't take no for an answer as she packed it away in my trunk.

"Mom, you know full well that I'll be wearing my dress uniform at functions and it's a little much for me anyway".

"Stop arguing Katie. Don't ever argue with a mother's intuition".

It's fairly modest, hitting just at the knee. The top is shaped into a wide V and if my breasts had been larger, it might be a little too revealing. A soft mauve coloured band of fabric cinches the waist and folds into a large bow at the back. It's perfect, I think, as a smooth my hands over the fabric. Thanks, Mom.

My hair's grown out a little in the past couple of months. It hangs slightly past my shoulders. Chakotay loves it. He loves to run his fingers through it. It mesmerizes him – the softness, all the colours. He tells me he can't wait until it's as long as it was when we were on New Earth. He'll have to wait a little while for that. I part it to the side and leave it down. I pin the same piece that falls in my face off to the side, slightly twisting it.

It's bad luck to see the bride before the ceremony, so I've sent him to his old quarters to get changed. His quarters. I'll put a requisition in tomorrow to have the barrier between the rooms taken down, combining the spaces – making room for her, maybe for all of them. One at a time, Kathryn. I smile. I can't wait to meet you.

"Janeway to Tuvok"

"Tuvok here"

"Tuvok, meet me in Holodeck One in ten minutes".

"Aye, Captain."

"Oh and Tuvok, it's not Captain tonight – it's Kathryn."

"Very well. Tuvok out."

One down. I told Chakotay to call B'Elanna. That leaves Tom. He's such a troublemaker, but he's such a good man at the same time. I think of Tom as that pesky brother that Phoebe and I never had – you know the one that pulls your hair, teases you, but always stands up for you and let's you know in subtle ways that you're loved.

"Janeway to Paris."

"Paris here."

"Tom, you busy this evening?"

"No ma'am. B'Elanna's just told me she's got plans, so I'm free. What do you need?"

"Meet me at Holodeck 1 in 5 minutes"

"Yes Ma'am! Do I get a hint?"

"No. And don't 'ma'am' me this evening! Tonight its just Kathryn. Janeway out."

I smile. I can almost see the questions looming in Tom's eyes and the confusion written all over his brow. These 5 minutes are going to be an eternity for him. The little kid in him demands no less.

I hear a thud at the wall, a subtle knocking. I pad over to our shared bulkhead and knock back like a kid at summer camp involved in some late night contraband commination with the boys on the other side of the wall. I chortle as I realize that I am surrounded by a bunch of big children. The wall is supposed to be soundproof, but I think they skimped a little on the materials, "Will you marry me?" I hear the smile in his muffled voice.

"Can't wait" I call back. And that's the truth. I can't wait to marry him.


	20. Chapter 20

"Tom stop jumping up and down. You look like you have to pee your pants."

"No, but seriously, B'Ellana, did the Captain or Chakotay say anything to you? Anything?"

"No, fly boy. Stop asking. Chakotay called me on my way back to my quarters and requested that I be here in ten minutes. I don't know anything else."

"Hey! Tuvok!" Tom ran up to the tall Vulcan, "do you know why we're here?"

"No, Mr. Paris, I do not. My presence was requested here at short notice by the Captain. I presume that she will be along shortly."

A familiar smooth velvet voice came from just around the corner, "Computer run holodeck program Janeway Alpha 5."

"Chakotay" Tom heralded, "Did the Captain call you here too? Do you know what's going on? Are we in trouble? Is the ship OK? Is this an impromptu simulation?"

"Calm down, Tom. No. And yes. She-"

"What're you all waiting for? Let's get this show on the road!" I smile as I round the corner. My eyes are only looking for him. He looks handsome. He always does, but tonight he looks even more so. In just a few minutes, he'll belong to me and me to him. It's all terribly romantic.

"Close your mouth, Tom." B'Ellana giggles.

"Capt-"

"Kathryn" I correct him. Tonight there is no place for rank. Tonight is the joining of a family in more ways than one. Four years ago, Chakotay and I joined our crews, making one Voyager family. Tonight, though, Starfleet and Maquis are joining in a a different way. Tonight we are starting a new kind family.

"Kathryn" Tom begins awkwardly, "you look lovely, if you don't mind me saying so."

"You do, Kathryn," B'Ellana is beaming. She knows why we're here: woman's intuition. "You look absolutely stunning, Kathryn."

"Thank you, B'Ellana, Tom."

I turn to Tuvok, "so – can you guess why I called you here?"

"It is a logical to assume that since you are wearing that dress and the commander is similarly dressed, that you wish me to perform a wedding ceremony".

Oh Tuvok. It isn't logical at all, but I love that he says it is. But Tuvok knows. Chakotay hasn't stopped staring. In fact, I don't think he can speak – this could prove problematic in a few minutes. I move in close to him and put my arms around his waist. It's such a public display of affection – but what the hell – we're about to be married and these are our friends. This is our family. I lean up close to his ear, the distance a little smaller now that I'm wearing heels, "will you marry me?" I whisper.

He smiles a grin so big that the Cheshire Cat would be jealous, "you betcha".

I've grown up around technology; I christened myself 'a child of the 24th century'. But, despite technology's constancy in my life, I am still blown away. This evening I step from one land to another. In a moment I step from the deck of a ship into the grassy park the sits on the periphery of the lake. The sun is setting on the lake. The sky is lit up with hues of pink, yellow, red, and a rich orange. It's beautiful. It's perfect. A slight breeze tickles my neck as we walk to the willow tree; its branches blossomed telling me that it's late summer. "Here," I stop. Tom stands next to Chakotay and B'Ellana stands next to me; this too is symbolic. We are blurring the lines even more. Tuvok stands ahead of us. I'm giddy. I'm never giddy, but right now butterflies are all over my stomach. My Cheshire grin matches his. I look up into his face. He's crying. He's looking at me and he's crying. He feels it too; he's overwhelmed. We're overwhelmed by what we are about to do. This is forever. This is a bond that even death can't break. I reach up and wipe his joyous tears that begin to setting in his deep dimples. He mirrors my action. I realize that my own face is damp.

Tuvok clears his throat and breaks the spell, refocusing us on our task. Rings are placed firmly on our fingers. "I do's" are exchanged. Ecclesiastes 4:2: Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Tonight we have sealed our bond. We've made a promise and we seal it with a kiss. Wedding kisses are traditionally but chaste, but he and I hold nothing back – a mirror to our life and our commitment.


	21. Chapter 21

Klingon's don't cry. That's a well-established fact. But for some reason, B'Elanna's eyes are teary as she looks on at Kathryn and Chakotay exchange their vows. Such short notice for two such important people would fluster the hell out of anyone else. But, the calm Vulcan performs as if he were executing a route weapons scan.

"Kathryn, Chakotay – am I correct in assuming that you would like a traditional Earth ceremony?"

"Yes," they say in synchrony.

"Very well. Please join hands."

As they exchange vows, B'Elanna's eyes catch Tom's from across the small distance. She smiles and remembers her own wedding day. Tom has been good for her. He calms her – warms her. His goofy childish behavior brings levity to her troubles. Chakotay does that for Kathryn.

When B'Elanna first came on board, she couldn't stand being within 15 feet of 'Janeway', as she sneeringly referred to her. But over the years, she's realized how similar they both are. Sometimes, B'Elanna can't believe how far they've come and now she can't imagine her life without Kathryn Janeway.

She refocuses herself and brings her attention back to the couple. She's always noticed Chakotay – you'd have to be dead not to. She's even a little embarrassed that she once had a schoolgirl crush on him. But Kathryn – she can see why Chakotay was speechless not a few moments ago. B'Elanna never thought of the Captain as stunning; attractive yes, but not a Risan Pleasure Dancer. But tonight the Captain is breathtaking. Her petite figure is flattered in the cream dress. Her hair is down and the colours in the strands are illuminated by the sunset. Her delicate legs are elongated in a pair of cream patent leather heels, her makeup is typically flawless, add to all of that: she is even glowing.

The spell is broken as the couple pulls apart. Tom – true to his nature begins clapping and whistling. He shakes Chakotay's hand and gives Kathryn a bear hug.

/

"Kathryn," B'Elanna, touches my shoulder, "congratulations" she smiles. She's happy for us.

"So, what's next? Drinks at Sandrine's?"

Chakotay's up to something – I see it in his eyes. He smiles, "No, Tom. I'm afraid that this wedding is going to be a quick affair, Ka-"

Tom holds up his hands in knowing surrender, "Say no more, Big Guy- I remember my own wedding day".

There's no point in trying to deny it so Chakotay just smiles as he grabs my hand and begins to head towards the door. But Tom has one last request:

"Unh, unh, unh! Stop right there!"

We roll our eyes. What now Tom?!

"Computer, one holo-camera on a tripod"

"Tom?" I'm getting a little exasperated at this point. I'm hungry – and not for dinner.

"Wedding pictures, Kathryn!" I'd totally forgotten. Leave it to Tom to think of the small details. He builds shuttles, after all.

"Alright, everyone around Kathryn and Chakotay!"

Chakotay puts his arm around my waist. Tuvok stands next to me; Tom and B'Elanna stand next to Chakotay.

"Say Cheese" I smile at Tom's corny behavior. The camera light flashes and a digital memory of the day that I married my best friend is preserved forever.

"Thanks, Tom".

"No problem" he grabs B'Elanna's hand and we all head towards the door.

"Thank you, everyone," and I am thankful. "Please, keep to yourselves until tomorrow. We'll tell this to the crew then. And, Neelix will likely want to throw a party".

"Leave it to Neelix to throw a party," B'Elanna understands as she pulls Tom down the corridor, "Don't worry, Captain – your secret's safe!"

"Goodnight, Captain, Commander. And, congratulations once again."

I smile, "Thank you, Tuvok." And at once, we're alone. Did we really just get married?

I turn back to my husband. My husband. I've never had a husband. Now I have a husband. Now, I'm a wife.

"So," I seductively lower my voice an octave.

"So close your eyes."

My eyebrow perks. What's he up to?

"And no peeking. Go on then!"

A crooked grin tugs at my lips as I tentatively close my eyes. I'm tempted to cheat and keep them slightly open. But, he'll know. So, I comply. But, I'm itching to know he's up to. I hear him touch the control panel on the wall outside the holodeck.

"Are they closed?"

"Yes" I smile.

He takes my hand, lacing his fingers with mine, and leads me through the same holodeck doors that we just came through.

I feel sand underneath my feet. At least I think it is judging by the way that my footing feels uneven. But then I smell the salty air and I feel the breeze rustle my hair. I've been here before. I spent a lot of time here some months ago.

"Open," he whispers in my ear. His breath tickles.

A house sits in front of me. It's made of shingles of wood that have turned grey in the constant barrage of the brackish air. Flowering plants are planted in the front yard. I look more closely, peace roses. I smile. No detail or sentiment goes unnoticed by him. The front door is red and it's open – beckoning us.

"Come on," he tugs at my hand leading me into the house. The other rooms are superfluous as he leads me to the one we both want to go to the most. The windows are open, letting in the simulated breeze. The details of the house fade away as we reach the top of short flight of stairs. He opens another door and I walk in. It's just like it was in my dreams. The walls are white, matching the colour of the bedspread draped over a tall oak bed frame. He really has been here.

I feel his breath on my neck and he bows his head and starts to untie the bow in the back of my dress. I feel a slackening in the waist and then his hands are at the zipper – revealing my skin inch by inch. My universe narrows and all I can feel are his warm hands. They move fluidly from my waist to my arms and then slowly up to my shoulders. The dress is already beginning to sag. He pushes it off the rest of the way and it pools in a creamy heap at my feet. I know what a tantalizing picture I am presenting to him: white lingerie and heels. The cool breeze blows through the open French doors and slightly chills my skin. But I'm warm, flush against his solid body. I feel him. I turn in his arms and I look into his obsidian eyes, "Kathryn," his whispers reverently, "you take my breath away".

It's by no means our first time. It's what I always knew would happen subconsciously from the first time that we met – we can't keep our hands off each other. On the bridge we work. On the bridge we're colleagues – Captain and First officer and the ship's business and crew's safety take priority. But, I'd be lying if I said that our time on the bridge wasn't foreplay. Those 9 hours only heighten our need for one another. But, all bets are off when the doors to our quarters close at night. Tonight our hunger is no different.

Tonight our appetite is once again stimulated – this is our first time as a married couple. I slide my arms up his chest, over the small buttons that close his white shirt. I unbutton them one by one and with precision. I'm trying again to draw the moment. Tonight though, unlike so many other times, I'm making him wait. I want to explore him. I want to taste him. I think he wants to do the same. I let the shirt fall and collect on the floor while I move to the fastener on his pants. He steps out of them as they fall to the wooden beams. He moves to cradle my face. He kisses me for the second time that evening. Lips open, tongues duel. We taste each other. The taste is wonderfully erotic and familiar. I feel his hands at the fastener of the bra and the garment falls away. One for one – I tug at his boxers and they join his trousers and socks. Slowly he backs me towards the bed. My thigh hits the back and I overbalance, falling onto the soft mattress and I pull him with me. He's a big man in every way – heavily muscled, big strong hands, big everything… and I am a small woman. He's always afraid he's going to crush me, but I like to feel his weight on me. His knee insinuates between my thighs, spreading my legs. He breaks the kiss, reaches down, and pulls away my flimsy underwear. His lips follow his hands and we begin to taste, to love.

I've gotten used to him since we first became lovers. But still, it's hard for me not to come almost immediately when he first enters me. I know he struggles too. But, like I said, tonight we're trying.

I trace lazy patterns on his chest afterwards as I drape myself over him like a cat. We're both still breathless. We're overcome. Soon, sleep overtakes us.


	22. Chapter 22

"Chakotay, I can't handle any more surprises! Just tell me!"

"Last one, I promise!"

"Sure 'last one' for the day." I retort sarcastically.

"Humour me, Kathryn"

So I do. I'd do anything for him. I close my eyes as I stand in front of my cabin door. Our cabin door. That reminds me: I have to put in that order.

I hear the doors hiss open and I start to walk through.

"Eh!" He scolds, "not so fast!"

And then like the sentimental big bear that he is, I feel his swift movement as he gathers me up into his arms. My eyes are still closed but I'm laughing, "carrying the bride across the threshold?"

I hear the delight in his voice, "open".

Truthfully, at this point I'm a little unnerved – but delightfully so. He must have been thinking about it all along. We've talked about it, but I didn't think he'd remember. The bulkhead separating our quarters – it's gone. The living area and dining area are still the same, but he's rearranged the rest of the floor plan. Now, we have three bedrooms. It's perfect. The décor is a perfect amalgam of the two of us: his sand paintings and tribal carvings sit fitting alongside my sculptures and amateur watercolour canvasses.

I bring my hand to my mouth. I'm still shocked. He puts me down slowly and holds me up while I gain my footing.

"It's perfect. It's us."

/

I thought it would be easier. I thought it would happen sooner. I have this image in my mind that she's waiting in some other worldly waiting room, just fidgeting and chomping at the bit to meet us.

It's been 7 months since we got married and in spite of our vigorous lovemaking we're still not pregnant. I'm not complaining, per se. I love it being just the two of us. I love days off spent in bed. I love late night dinners. I love impromptu late night chats with the crew in the messhall. That's another thing that Chakotay changed about me. Before we were together, I felt that I needed to be set apart from my crew. I felt that in order to maintain a command structure, a Captain needed to be above her crew. I thought that keeping myself isolated would make it easier to command them. I thought if I didn't know them personally or invest in them, it would make it easier to send them into dangerous situations. When I look back on it, I'm ashamed at how cold and ice-like that mentality. But, that's what Starfleet always taught us. That's what I was trained to think. But now, 50,000 light years from the Alpha Quadrant and what we all used to think of as home, I've been able to reevaluate those precepts and principles. Yes, I used to throw around the word "family" a lot. But in truth, I had no idea what it meant. Now, I do. Now I know my crew. Now I see them as people.

Now I'm not surprised when Harry Kim and Tal Celes come to me asking me to perform a wedding ceremony. And what a sweet couple they are! A year ago, Tal Celes was just a name on a manifest. I knew little about her. Yes, I knew she was Bajoran. But I didn't know she was unhappy with her job and position on the ship. I didn't know that her parents pushed her into the academy when all along she wanted to be a teacher. I didn't know that her true passion is for instructing and nurturing children. I didn't know that she spends her free time reading Vulcan poetry or that she, untrue to her Bajoran heritage, hates spicy Hasperat. And Harry! My dear, sweet Harry Kim. I thought I had scared him away from romance forever when I chastised him for getting involved with the young Varo woman. But when I see them now, I see how perfect they are for one another. They are both kind and nurturing young people and one day they'll make wonderful parents.

The Doctor has informed me that we have eight pregnancies on board. Eight! I'm happy for all of them: Joe and Sam, Mort and Angie, Peter and Meghan, all of them! But, to be honest, I wish that I were one of them. I know that Chakotay and I aren't exactly young anymore, but still I thought it would be easier. I had this notion that the boosters would be suppressed, we'd have sex a few times, and I'd get pregnant. But that was wishful thinking at best. It's starting to gnaw at me and Chakotay can tell.

"Kathryn, we just have to give it time. You know what the Doctor said – he said we're perfectly able to. We just have to wait it out. And in the meantime…" there's that suggestive eyebrow wag.

He's always able to rouse me out of a sour mood. My Chakotay –unquenchable.

I smile crookedly and look up at him, "Hey we're an old married couple now – aren't we supposed to be as chaste as virgins at this stage?"

"Kathryn, even when we're over 100 and all saggy and wrinkly, I think that I'll still want you all day, every day, in every conceivable position, and on every surface and wall of the house."

I laugh at the image. Any other man would have said it just to say it – to be flattering. But, Chakotay really means it.

"Well," I run my finger down the front of his uniform, stopping just above his trousers. I smile. Let's have a little fun. He knows I'm teasing him and he can't take anymore.

"Ah!" I shriek as I break into laugh.

He's pulled me up and draped me over his shoulder and he's hauling me to the bedroom. We might not be pregnant yet, but we're having one 'helluva fun time trying.


	23. Chapter 23

Post Equinox

To say that I feel awful is an understatement. I let him down. I let myself down. We haven't had an argument. Not like this. We fight about petty things at home: he doesn't cap the toothpaste; I don't shut the bathroom light off – silly things. We've been good; we don't bring the bridge to the bedroom. But this time I don't know. At the time, I wasn't thinking. I was acting on revulsion and impulse. What I did to Noah Lessing is unforgivable. My tactics were almost Cardassian.

Ransom is dead. Now I can't even apologise. I can't make things right. I accused him of losing his humanity while I was on the verge of losing my own. I've been lucky. He didn't have what I have – a second conscience.

I was so angry. I don't think I've ever felt so much anger. Learning that the Hirogen was using my crew to practice their hunting tactics comes in at a close second. And now I sit alone in the silence of my ready room. Dressing down the Equinox crew was exhausting.

I'm spent.

We have to talk about this. I have to face him. We knew that this would happen when we got married. We knew that sometimes we'd have to hurt each other. But even though I'm apprehensive, the truth is that I'd rather fight with him than have to face this alone in the silence of my quarters.

He's been off duty for two hours. I reinstated his rank, but I didn't do it in person. I'm still too raw. I think he is too. No time like the present, Katie.

The doors to our cabin hiss open. I square my shoulders and walk in. I almost expect him to throw something at me. That's what I would have done. I'm ready for a fight. I'm ready for yelling and arguing. But I can't seem to find him.

"Chakotay?" I call out.

"Kathryn," he responds. His tone is even. His voice is soft, unlaced with anger or bitterness.

I see him now. He walks out of our bedroom resplendent in nothing but a pair of white pajama bottoms. He's clever and sneaky. He knows that even with my hot Irish temper, I can't win an argument with my half naked gorgeous husband. He slowly saunters over to me, his face expressionless.

"We have to talk."

"I know"

"Put a shirt on. You know I'm never going to win if I'm too focused staring at your naked chest".

He chuckles. He's standing right in front of me now. I feel the heat radiating off his skin, "I know why you did what you did, Kathryn. But you scared me. I don't like seeing that side of you."

I look down. Shame once again washes over me, "I know. I'm sorry. I was so angry I couldn't see straight."

He slips his hand into my hair, sending tingles along my scalp and all the way to my toes, "I know".

Burning hot tears start to pour from my eyes. I don't mean to cry but I don't know what else to do with the emotions. He holds me as the sobs rack my body. My hot tears traverse a path down his chest. I cling to him. My Ebenezer. My constant. My stronghold. I'm crying because I'm angry. I'm crying for the lines that I crossed, for the lines that Ransom crossed. I'm even crying because I'm not pregnant and I'm frustrated.

His big hands rub circles on my back, "shhh" he kisses my head. The sobs start to subside.

"Better?"

I smile weakly. No. But it will be. He makes everything better.


	24. Chapter 24

"You're glowing."

"You're dreaming, Chakotay" I smile.

He grins at me from across the breakfast table. "Do you know something I don't? Have you been adopting the doctor's bad habit of running the medical tricorder behind my back?"

"No," he smirks, "but you are glowing. Maybe we should check?"

"No. I don't want to get my hopes up." My hand wanders to my stomach. Are you there, little one?

/

It's lunchtime. I'm not hungry. I don't even want coffee. That's unusual. My stomach's been sour since breakfast. Morning sickness? No. It can't be. I would know if she was here. I'm playing that old game again. If I tell myself she's not here and I do everything in my power to convince myself that's the case, then I can't be disappointed.

/

"Chakotay, would you stop it!" He's staring at me again – he's scrutinizing me. I see his eyes wander to my chest, trying to see if there is any growth in the "boob department". He's making me self-conscious.

"I'm telling you. She's in there! Please let's go to sickbay. We'll know with just one pass of the tricorder!"

"No!" I jovially smack him on the arm. "Get back to the bridge, Mister!"

He nods his head and smiles, "Aye, Captain". The doors hiss shut behind him. I laugh at his giddiness. She can't possibly be here.

Just as soon as he's out the door, the chime sounds again, "Come".

"B'Elanna, what can I do for you?" She's showing already. Five months ago, Tom and B'Elanna announced they were pregnant. Tom is so excited. He's going to be a great father. He's determined to be. He wants to be the father that he always wished he had. Owen Paris is a wonderful man. He's always been good to me. His encouragement and his interest in me got me through the Academy and some of the toughest parts in my early career. But, with Tom, things were rocky. Isn't that the way it is sometimes with families? My own father and I, even though I adored him, had our own share of rockiness. Tom is determined to be everything his father isn't. It drives B'Elanna crazy sometimes. "He's too overprotective!" she complains. But secretly she loves it. But don't tell her I told you that.

"Captain, we've drafted up some schematics for the nursery, a future classroom, and possibly some extra crew quarters on the lower decks. Neelix thinks we'll be able to condense some of our storage into just two cargo bays."

I take the padd from her hand, "this looks great, B'Elanna!" I'm pleased. Voyager is handling to new crew additions seamlessly. Three babies have been born already. We have 20 new couples on board – 13 of them married now, 6 engaged. I love what Voyager is becoming. Its sterile walls are being filled with new life – new love. It's very satisfying for a Captain to watch grey alloy made into a home. I was afraid that it was just going to be little Naomi running this ship all be herself in 60 years!

"Captain?"

"Yes, Lieutenant?"

"Permission to speak freely?" a smile tugged at her.

Smiles are infectious, "Go ahead".

"You're glowing."

"B'Elanna, you're just as delusional as my husband."

"No. No. You're definitely glowing. And I think you're boobs are bigger".

My hands move subconsciously to my chest. Since I got married, B'Elanna and I have become closer. Our relationship was rocky at the start of our journey. She was always fighting me – me and everyone else! Poor Joe experienced he brunt of her fiery Klingon temper when she broke his nose. But, she's evened out - a testament to her growing maturity: her development from a girl to a woman.

I miss Phoebe terribly. Every day I think of all the time we're missing. I regret that I was never a proper big sister to her. I was single-focused when I was younger. I had Starfleet blinders on for most of my life. She and I never really had girl talk. We never gossiped about boys or talked about kissing and sex while painting our toenails. But now, with B'Elanna, I have a second chance. She and I have grown close. I'm grateful for her.

"Chakotay said the same thing over breakfast and just a few minutes ago. Did he put you up to this to make me go to Sickbay and check?" And he would do that too. Sneaky man.

"No, I haven't spoken with Chakotay today. But you should go check."

The door chimed again, "Come".

The cool blond is nothing if not graceful, "Captain, the scans from Astrometrics that you requested". She hands me the padd and I summarily peruse it while she continues, "I have found four M Class planets within the next 4000 light years. Two are inhabited and rich in dilithium. Should I chart a course?"

"Yes, Seven. Is that everything?"

"Seven," B'Elanna turns to look at me while she asks the question, "don't you think the Captain's glowing?"

"Humans do not glow, Lieutenant. However, if you are referring to the Captain's-"

"Enough!" I laugh, amused by everyone's insistence, "I'll go to Sickbay".

Seven raises her eyebrow and B'Elanna smiles at her victory, "Dismissed".

What the hell? Can't hurt to check.


	25. Chapter 25

I miss Kes. I don't think about her all the time. But when I do, I miss her. I miss her smile and her tenderness. She might never know it, but her presence on Voyager made the first few years in the Delta Quadrant manageable.

I remember how much more sardonic and caustic the EMH was when we first activated him. He was absolutely unbearable sometimes – efficient, but humanly unbearable. But Kes was patient with him. She taught him humanity in small ways. She encouraged him to be compassionate. Her love and her life rubbed off on him. Still the Doctor is no Kes, but he's better. Caustic, sardonic, slightly arrogant - I can't imagine Voyager without our Doctor. But don't tell him that – it'll go to his head.

"Computer, activate EMH."

The Doctor materialized, "Please state the na- oh, good evening, Captain. What can I do for you?"

"Everyone has been hounding me to see if I'm pregnant."

His eyebrow quirked, "baby fever" he muttered under his breath as he walked a small distance to pick up his medical tricorder.

I hate this feeling. I felt like this every time I had to check my grades when I was in school. My pulse speeds up. Sweat pools in the creases of my palms. My respirations increase.

"Calm down, Captain" the Doctor scolds as he runs the probe over me.

He knows I'm nervous. He keeps his expression neutral as he turns off the tricorder and replaces the probe.

I knew it. I hate when this happens. I hate that I even got a little excited. I hang my head in defeat. What if she was just an illusion?

"3 Weeks".

My head shoots up, my pupils dilate, "what?"

"You're three weeks pregnant" he smiles.

The biggest, silliest grin spreads across my face and I breath a sigh of relief. My hand moves over my stomach. Hello.

/

Should I just come out and tell him? No. I want it to be special. How should I tell him? Should I make him guess? No – too easy. I don't know if I can keep this to myself.

I'm dizzy with excitement. We're going to have a baby – a little human conceived in love. We can't wait to meet you. You're going to be loved and cherished.

I reach our quarters. It's late. There he is. I've never met anyone who hates clothes as much as this man. I think a small part of the reason we make love so often is the fact that he insists on sleeping naked. He's knows I can't resist him. I can barely keep my hands to myself when he's fully clothed in his uniform. Do I really have to tell you what it's like when he's got nothing on? So there he sits on our couch, dozing off, surrounded by padds.

As quietly as I can, I pad around the room. I remove my uniform, glancing every few seconds to see that I haven't woken him. As silently as I can I rummage through the bureau, landing on the peach silk nightgown he loves so much. I throw it on over my head and smooth the fabric. I linger over my abdomen. I can't wait to tell him.

Smoothly, I climb onto his lap. He jumps in surprise. Gotcha.

He smiles as he looks at me with sleepy eyes, "Hi beautiful". His warm hands encircle my waist as he brings me closer. I wrap my arms around his neck and move in to kiss him. I love kissing him. I relish the feel of his mouth beneath mine. I tug on his full lower lip and open him fully to me. My tongue slips past his and I explore that right upper canine. Is it strange that I have a favourite tooth of his? I'm running out of air so I pull back.

"Hi Handsome."

He knows I'm up to something. I won't make him wait any more. I take his hand away from my hip and move it to my stomach, holding it there. For a second he's confused.

Hesitantly, "Kathryn?"

That silly grin comes back, "3 weeks."

He starts to laugh. Laughter is infectious. We can't believe it. We can't wait to meet you.


	26. Chapter 26

I don't think my crew will ever know how much their gesture means to us. Since the data link was established with Starfleet, we've slowly been able to share brief video calls with our families back on Earth. I've written to Mom and Phoebe. So has Chakotay. Chakotay has also been able to reestablish contact with his sister Sekaya on Trebus. Today, though, is the first time we'll see each other. Video calls last mere minutes. But as a baby present, the crew has donated their time so that we can see and talk with our families for longer.

It's been 4 months since I found out that I was pregnant. The time is flying. We have a sort of 'expectant mothers club' on Voyager. All of us have a different outlook on pregnancy. Susan's having a tough go of it; her morning sickness took her off duty more than once. Jenny's in her 6th month and reports having to hit the head almost constantly. To me the worst part of being pregnant is the lack of coffee. Chakotay's caught me more than once trying to sneak the stuff. I swear, the first thing I'm having once I give birth is a nice strong cup of coffee.

I'm nervous. I'm excited. I can't wait to see my mom and sister face to face. It's been six and a half years now. I don't look too different from when I left. My hair's grown out and I've taken to wearing it in a low ponytail again.

I grab my husband's hand and mesh our fingers together. He's nervous too.

"Captain," Seven breaks the nervous silence, "the link will be established in fifteen seconds".

I mentally start a countdown. 15…14… my eyes look down. How do I look? I'm not showing much yet. We haven't told our families we're expecting. I know Mom is going to be excited for us. She always wanted grand children. I hope we find a way home so that she can get to know her aunts and grandmother!

Suddenly the screen in front of us lights up. There they are: Mom and Phoebe. In an instant I'm a basket case. I would be anyway just seeing them, but now that I'm a walking bag of oestrogen and progesterone, I'm going to pieces.

"Mom" I croak through tears and a smile. Chakotay holds me a little tighter.

"Oh Katie! You look so beautiful!"

"Mom," I pull myself together and stand up straight, beaming at the man next to me, "meet my husband."

He's smiling too, "it's an honour, Mrs. Janeway."

Gretchen smiles, "My, my Katie he's even more handsome than in your wedding picture! It's a pleasure, Chakotay. And call me 'mom'. We're family now."

"Hi Katie, Chakotay!" Phoebe exclaimed. Phoebe looks beautiful. She's always been the prettier of the two of us. She's tall and slight, but her figure is lovely and curvaceous. Her hair is still long and red, curled wildly around her head. She gave up trying to tame it a long time ago.

I still can't believe that we're talking to them! Our time is about to run out. We still haven't told them the news.

"Captain, the comm. link will terminate in 1 minute".

"Mom – " I look over at Chakotay, "do you want to tell them?"

He smiles and nods, "Mom, Phoebe – we're having a baby."

"What?! Katie! Oh Congratulations, the both of you! How far along? Boy or girl?"

"30 seconds."

Our time is nearly up, "4 months. We don't know if it's a boy or a girl. But, we have a hunch it's a girl. Our time's up. We love you. Talk soon!"

"Oh! Bye Katie we lo-" the link terminated.

Our visit was too short, but for now it's enough. Today our journey got a little sweeter.

/

We're still euphoric from our visit with my mom and sister, but we're on duty in an hour and we have to refocus ourselves.

I hold his hand as we leave Astrometrics.

"Breakfast?"

"I have a better idea," I reply suggestively… so much for refocusing.

/

He knows what I'm on about. It was bad enough before I got pregnant – when we were trying. I've always found Chakotay irresistible. He's a very handsome man. He takes care of his body and it shows. He's 47 now, but he shows no signs of age other than the speckles of grey around his temples.

Now that I'm pregnant, I'm on hyperdrive. Most days I feel like I'm tiring him out.

"We have to be quick," he whispers against my mouth between kisses.

"Uh huh" I nod, pulling his shirt off.

"Kathryn," he smiles as his hands move to the fastening on my trousers, "I'm serious. You have to eat something before we go on the bridge."

"Ok, ok," his trousers fall to the floor and join mine in the heap as we stumble into our bedroom.

"Kathryn-"

"Shh" I try silencing him with a kiss, but he's adamant, as he pushes me down onto the mattress and begins to kiss my neck, "I'm serious".

"uuuunnnhh" I groan as he trails open mouth kisses down my neck, his tongue darting out to swirl over the carotid pulse point.

"Okaayyy hurry up then!"

There are times when Chakotay can be expeditious. More recently, though, we've developed a knack for the slow and romantic. But, this morning, I am grateful for celerity.

Not forty-five minutes later we've finished, showered quickly, dressed, and I'm out the door with a muffin and tea in hand. I grab his hand once again and he leads me to start a new day.


	27. Chapter 27

This is what I was afraid of when we got involved. This is exactly the situation that terrifies me in my nightmares. He's been captured. By the Borg no less!

It was supposed to be a routine shuttle run! Dammit, Kathryn – pull yourself together. Fix the situation. This isn't the worst you've ever been up against and Chakotay can take care of himself. These are children, after all. At least for now, I know he's somewhat safe; they haven't assimilated him nor is he dead.

We've tried transporters. They're not working. Now, they want to negotiate. We've dealt with the Borg before, but this time I smell a rat. We have to get our crew members back.

"We'll exchange your crew members in exchange for specific technology" The harmonized Borg voice demands. What technology? The Borg is already technologically superior to us!

"What technology?"

All I hear is "navigational deflector". Absolutely not. We have to stall them. Chakotay resurfaces in my mind. We've scanned the ship and picked up human life signs. Cognitively, I know he's alive, but the need to confirm it with my own eyes becomes unbearable.

"I'll consider the exchange" my voice is strong and adamant, "but first we want to confirm that our crewmembers are unharmed and alive".

"You have scanned our vessel".

"Our scans were inconclusive. We want to see them for ourselves". Please. Let me see him!

Seven has transported over to the cube. This is no time for me to fall apart,

"Tuvok. Continue running additional scans. I'll be in my ready room."

The doors hiss shut behind me – my feet hurt. My bladder is aching. 7 months now. I pull at my uniform. My pants are being held up by what Sam calls a "belly belt". I've had to replicate a shirt and jacket size larger. Other than that, my body hasn't changed much. From the back I still don't look pregnant. But she's there. She's growing – waiting to make her grand appearance. I run my hand over my distended belly and I feel a kick, "shhhh little one" I coo quietly. "We'll get him back," I say more for my benefit than for hers.

"Tuvok to Captain Janeway"

"Go ahead, Tuvok."

"Captain, Seven has returned from the Borg cube".

"Acknowledged".

"Janeway to Seven" my heart speeds up, is he OK? How are the others: Tom, Neelix, and Harry?

"Yes, Captain. I'm on my way to the bridge."

"Meet my in my ready room. Janeway out."

The door chimes.

"Enter"

"Captain," her face shows little emotion, "the hostages are safe – Commander Chakotay is safe and unharmed as are Neelix and Mr. Paris." I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding, "and Harry?"

"He is not among the hostages."

"He escaped?"

"I am unsure. The only thing that Commander Chakotay said to me in this regard was, 'give my regards to Harry'. Presumably he has not been captured".

"Janeway to Tuvok."

"Yes, Captain"

"See if you can scan the cube and determine the location of Harry Kim. Use a Borg interlink frequency; they shouldn't be able to detect it."

"Aye, Captain."

"What else, Seven?"

" They are demanding the deflector. I told them that I am not authorized to trade in technology. I was also able to beam aboard an adult drone."

"Alive?"

"No. All adult crewmembers are dead. I beamed the body to Sickbay. The Doctor is running scans to determine the cause of death."

"Good thinking, Seven."

I stood thinking for a moment, "Captain, if I may, I'd like to get down to Sickbay and assist the Doctor in running the scans."

"Very well, Seven. Keep me informed".

/

"Sickbay to Captain Janeway"

"Go ahead, Doctor".

"We've determined the cause of death of the adult drones. You may want to come down here".

"On my way. Tuvok, you're with me. B'Elanna, you have the bridge".

"Aye, Captain".

/

"A pathogen?" That's unusual.

"Yes, Captain, a space-born virus."

"Why didn't it attack the juveniles?" Tuvok asked.

"The children," Seven explained, "were in maturation chambers. These chambers are designed to protect the developing drones and keep offending pathogens out – much like a womb".

"Does this virus only target the Borg?" I can hear the wheels of thought turning in Tuvok's question.

"Yes – the Borg and other cybernetic organisms that it encounters."

Yes. Yes. We could use this to target the Borg children. I was prepared to do anything to get him – to get them back.

"Doctor, modify the virus. I want it as an option."

/

The children have allowed me to beam aboard. I promised the Doctor I would not use that biological weapon unless I was sure that a compromise with these Borg children wasn't an option.

I hate these Borg ships! What is this- the third time I've been on one? Hopefully it's my last. They're all the same: bad lighting reminiscent of a Ferengi nightclub and only two colours – grey and green. And that smell! I swear, there's nothing worse that the smell of a Borg ship - this one especially. And now I see why: the effect of the virus has been widespread. There are dead drone carcasses strewn about the ship; they fell where they stood. These poor children, I think in a moment of compassion. They must be terrified.

Dealing with them is harder than I expected. They're erratic and unyielding, just as Seven warned. We've got to find a way out of this and I'd like not to resort to biological weaponry. I was scared for a minute there with One's plated arm against my neck. I'm sorry little one, I whisper inwardly. I can't always keep you safe, but I'll sure as hell die trying.

"I bought us another two hours. Is the virus ready?"

"It should be, Captain."

"Good."

"Celes to Janeway" Oh, Tal! She must be worried sick.

"Janeway here."

"I know you're busy, Ma'am but have you heard from Harry and the rest of the away team?"

"Yes we-"

"Captain," B'Elanna interrupted, "we're receiving an incoming transmission from the Borg cube."

"I'm sorry, Crewman. I'll inform you in a bit. Janeway out."

"The transmission is from Ensign Kim."

"Put it through, Tuvok"

"We're receiving you, Ensign. Where are you?"

I breathed a sigh of relief. Harry is still in the flyer, but he can make it to the shield generator. Things are looking up. Before he commed out, "Captain – will you tell Tal I'm OK. I know she worries." I smile, "of course Harry."

/

"Sickbay to the Captain"

"Go ahead, Doctor"

"You might want to come down here for this"

"On my way, Janeway out."

/

"What is it Doctor?"

"See for yourself. Somebody left a bundle on our doorstep."

A baby. Instinctively, my hand goes to my abdomen. She's so little. She looks burdened by the heavy weight of the Borg armour. Compassion and love suddenly overwhelm me as a stare at her little body. She's so pale, almost translucent against the pink of her blanket. She's crying. I'm still lost in the moment as the Doctor places her in my arms. She weighs almost nothing. Her crying subsides, but she's still moaning. Is she in pain? Is she OK? I wish Chakotay were here. Chakotay. I need him. As much as I don't want to harm those poor children, I'll do what I have to in order to save him.

/

In an instant, I think to myself - is this how Ransom got started down his destructive path? No. I won't think that way. This is no time for philosophical quandaries. We'll find another way to get them back. Yes. I've got it, "B'Elanna, use the deflector to send a feedback pulse along the beam. It'll disrupt their shields." B'Elanna is skeptical, but I'm sure it'll work.

"Prepare to fire".

The moment is right, "fire!"

"It worked, Captain" I hear a distinct tone of relief in her voice.

"Lock on transporters and beam our crew aboard."

"We've got three life signs – Neelix, Mr. Paris, and Chakotay. They are in Transporter Room 2."

Oh thank God. He's safe. Within 20 minutes we've reclaimed Seven and Harry. We've also gained 5 new crewmembers.

I can hardly wait to get to Sickbay. I leave the bridge to Tuvok and practically run to see him. It's these moments I hate how unwieldy I've become. I can't seem to get there fast enough.


	28. Chapter 28

Sickbay is inundated. My eyes search him out. There must be over 30 people in sickbay at the moment. I should be worriedly asking about the rest of the crew. I should be asking the Doctor for a status report. But, I'm anything but coherent enough to do so right now and I just want to see my husband. I need to touch him. I need to wrap my arms around him. I need to feel his heart beating against my own.

I see him. He has his back to me. He's asking Tom Paris a question. Tom looks fine. B'Elanna got here before I did and she's holding his hand. Tom and B'Elanna see me first and smile, he turns around. He looks okay. I can't see any scratches. No blood. Tears of relief burn behind my eyes. He's here. The tension in my shoulder lets up as we walk toward one another amid the hectic activity of the room. I melt into him. He holds me as I breathe in his presence. He kisses my head and his right hand moves to my belly – holding me, holding her.

"Let's get out of here," he whispers into my ear.

He takes my hand and leads me home.

/

Our doors hiss shut. I sniffle and wipe my eyes, "Let me look at you."

He doesn't try to protest and act brave for which I am grateful. He knows that I need to look at him. And the truth is that he needs to look at me too. It's been a long day. We're emotionally exhausted.

We're standing close to one another, but he still moves closer. Now he's as close as she'll allow. I move my hands against his chest to cradle his face. He smiles weakly at me.

"I was so scared today, Kathryn."

"Me too."

It's obvious what he's going to say, but I still need to hear it.

"I was afraid I'd never see you again. I thought about you all day. When we'd exhausted all escape routes and the only thing that I thought of was you."

I look down.

"I almost did it, Chakotay. I almost used a biological weapon on those kids to save you."

"But you didn't".

"No. But I came damn close."

He says nothing. He just kisses my forehead. We stay like that for a few more minutes, soaking each other in.

"Chakotay"

"mmm"

"Shower?"

"huh?"

"You smell like that Borg ship".

He laughs softly and nods his head.

/

We don't need to make love. We're too tired for that. But we both feel the need to be with the other. Steam fills the room. He removes my top as I do his, then trousers, then underwear. I feel big, cumbersome and unbalanced. The hot water soothes us. It pelts against my ankles, soothing some of the oedema away.

I can't stop touching him. I've seen him at least a thousand times now. I've memorized every inch of his skin. I move in close and kiss his scars. There's one on his chest, a cut from a Cardassian knife. There's another on his left bicep – a childhood injury. He told me the story once, but I don't remember it. I move lower to the largest one on his thigh – a part of a bulkhead fell on him and he had to crawl out from under it while the Liberty was under attack. These scars make up the man I love. But there are also the other scars that I can't see. Today, we added to those scars. I'd do anything to take them away. I'd do anything to take away his hurt. I don't want to add to his burdens but sometimes that can't be helped. We scar the people we love simply by loving them and being loved by them. Scars are unavoidable. But I'm reminded that things are not so bleak as I am roused by a kick. I stand into him again and take his hands, bringing them around my abdomen. He smiles in wonder. This isn't the first time that he's felt her move, but by his reaction you'd never be able to tell.

/

A second orgasm rips through my body, taking me completely by surprise as his finds his own satisfaction. I cry out and I release the hands that have been holding mine for the past half an hour. I sag against his chest, breathing heavily, "good morning". He smiles against my shoulder. He's panting, "now there's a way to wake up". I feel him soften and slip away, but I'm loath to let him go soon. I used to be able to lie flat against him, but the little one has insinuated herself too much. So I lie against him with my stomach propped against his.

I often find that some of our best conversations happen in bed after we make love.

"What are we going to do about her?"

He's momentarily confused, "Who?"

"The baby."

"Our baby?"

"No. The Borg baby."

He briefly saw her yesterday before we left.

I continue, "we can't give her to Seven – she's still a child herself and now she had four more children to look after."

"Kathryn, what are you suggesting?"

I prop myself up on my elbow so that I can look at him. He reaches up and brushes an errant auburn strand from my face, "No."

"'No' what?"

"No we're not taking her in".

How did he know that's what I was hinting at? "Why not?"

His hand moves across my breast to my belly. "Kathryn, it's too much."

"No really, Chakotay – why not? It'll be good practice and she doesn't have anyone. She's alone".

"Kathryn, we don't know anything about this baby. We don't know how it's going to mature. We don't know if it's programmed to be a fully functional Borg… we don't know anything. Add to that, we already have a little one of our own coming in a just a few weeks!"

"I know. It's a big unknown. And I know, I'm asking a lot…. But I just can't get her out of my head. Yesterday when the Doctor put me in her arms and she stopped crying – I don't know, I just... She felt like she belonged to me. That's crazy. That's crazy. I know. What am I even sayin-" he shushed my mental meandering with a kiss.

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"We'll talk to the Doctor today. We'll see if he can remove the implants just like he's doing with the children – just like he did with Seven." He smiled, "I'm not going to say no. Let's just see how it goes, OK?"

"What did I ever do to deserve you?" And I mean it, what did I do?

He kisses me again, "you don't do anything to deserve love, Kathryn. I love you because I can't help it. Loving you is a vital part of who I am. Loving you is like breathing. Loving you brings me peace."


	29. Chapter 29

"Are you saying, Doctor, that she's human underneath the Borg technology?"

"Yes, Captain."

I'm dumbfounded, "Seven?"

"The Borg has assimilated a wide variety of species. However, they have found that humans and human physiology is the most amenable to assimilation."

"Glad we could help!" I assert cynically.

Seven raises her eyebrown, brushing off my remark as she continues, "when the Borg began to raise drones from infancy, they used human DNA to do so. "

"Doctor?"

"She's right, Captain. I've done a fully genetic analysis. This baby is indeed fully human."

"Can the implants be removed?"

"I've done a full scan. The implants are complexly integrated – even more than they were with Seven and the children."

"But?"

"But, it is possible to remove them. Additionally, since she is only 8 months old, her organs are still quite plaint and regenerative." He takes a cleansing breath, "however, the process of removing the implants and outer Borg plating will be a long process, requiring 4 separate surgeries at least."

"But you can do it?"

"Yes."

"Good. Get started."

"Captain. Who is going to assume responsibility for her? I assume you've set up a family with one of the crew?"

I look to my right. Chakotay nods in acquiescence and he states, "we're going to take care of her".

The Doctor smiles warmly, "I can't think of a better home".

/

"Thank you" I grab his hand as we leave Sickbay and lean into him.

"You're right," he says quietly, "it's the right thing to do."

The turbolift doors open in front of us. "Bridge".

"She's beautiful, isn't she?"

"Yes. She is" he beams. "What am I going to do with three girls?"

I laugh. Oh yes, we're going to have him wrapped around our fingers, aren't we?

I lean in, "I think that eventually we'll find a way to even the score."

/

Chakotay is already acting like a father and this baby isn't even genetically his. I shouldn't have expected any less of him. He paces sickbay while the Doctor is finishing the last procedure on our newest addition. Poor thing. Her frail body has been pushed to the limit.

This is the first time I'll be seeing her without all of her Borg implants. "Come sit down, Chakotay."

"I'm nervous," he looks down. His hands are restless at his side and he reaches up to tug at his earlobe.

"Oh no. You've got it bad, papa"

That brings a wide grin to his face, "I like the sound of that". He comes and joins me on the biobed.

"I do too."

He refocuses himself, "are we ready for this? Two babies. Two girls."

"I don't know. It's not going to be easy. I think we'll manage though."

"It's going to be messy" he brushes a stray piece of hair behind my ear.

"Mmm.. wonderfully messy. Can you believe it? We're parents!"

He just nods his head and smiles, "I can't believe it. I still can't believe that you're my wife."

"Oh Chakotay," he's perfect.

/

"Here she is!" The Doctor wheels out the incubator but the angle obfuscates our view. Four hours later and we're welcoming a new member into our family.

I'm suddenly unprepared. Am I ready for this? I'm about to become a mother. Our little one isn't due for another three weeks and we're about to be put through a crash course in parenting in that time. I start to panic. My hands start shaking as I walk over to where she's resting. Like he has a sixth sense, he grabs my hand and in doing so he grounds me. We stop before we get to her, and he looks at me. He looks right at me, yes – we're ready.

I've seen her before and every time I do my breath catches. This time, though, I stop breathing altogether. Tears come to our eyes without warning and we give no effort to stop them.

"Can we hold her?"

"Of course, Commander"

Like he's done it a thousand times he places his hand delicately under her neck as his long fingers support her tiny head. His other hand cradles her slight body. Such a big, strong man brought to tears by a little baby. It's such a beautiful sight and my heart bursts with love for him, for her, and for the little one who hasn't even been born. This is my family.


	30. Chapter 30

The Doctor said it's fine – but we're still scared to take her home. We've been here in Sickbay the whole night just watching her sleep.

"We don't have a name for her," he whispers as he gently touches her little forehead.

"We don't have a name for either of them"

"Renee"

"Renee?"

"It means reborn."

He sighs, taking in the larger meaning. "Renee. Yes. Renee Janeway."

/

Everyone we talk to says we have it easy. Renee sleeps through the night most nights. She's a good baby. She's not too fussy, but she still gets cranky every so often. It doesn't feel like we've only known her for 11 days. I feel as close to her as I do to the one growing inside of me.

/

Today is my due date. It's finally here. Chakotay is insistent that I check myself into Sickbay and ask to be induced. I'm beginning to agree with him. I'm getting a little impatient. I'll be sad to let her go. I've loved having her with me every day. I talk to her; sometimes we have little made up conversations in my head. She helps me solve problems and I give her little bits of impromptu motherly advice along the way. But, still I can't wait to actually hold her. I can't wait for him to hold her either. I'm excited to see what she looks like. To tell you the truth, I think that Chakotay is even more excited than I am.

"So," he leans against the door of the bathroom wearing nothing but a towel, "what's the plan?"

"Well…" I walk over to him suggestively, you know what they say, don't you?"

"No, what do they say?" he whispers as he gathers my very pregnant body into his arms. I'm flush against his body and I can feel his stirring erection. I don't know how he does it: he's almost 50 and he can't keep it down. He's been just as eager as I've been during the pregnancy. I asked him about it once:

"Chakotay, I look fat, I'm horribly bloated, and I looked exhausted. Why is it that you're constantly itching to get me into bed?"

"Kathryn – do you know how incredibly beautiful you are? The first time I saw you I wanted you and I didn't even know you. And now you're my wife and, to me, you're even more striking. And you are by no means fat; you haven't gained anything other than baby! Kathryn, it's incredibly arousing to watching our daughter growing inside of you."

"They say that sex and spicy foods have been known to induce labour. I think it's scientific fact!" I pull away the towel and giggle. He smiles, "who am I to argue with science?"

/

I've been assured that first babies are the worst; it's all downhill from here. We tried it all earlier today. Our bridge crew arranged it so that Chakotay and I had today off. We tried everything to induce labour earlier in the day. We must have had sex a good four times and though all those orgasms were pretty powerful – they didn't have the desired effect of inducing labour. We even tried spicy food. Harry's mom's replicated kimchi has always been a dish that I've had to eat with a gallon of ice cold water. We tried that. Nothing. Finally at 21:00 hours we put Renee down, got a sitter, and headed to Sickbay. I wasn't going to have this pregnancy turn into a long and overdrawn affair. I'm not that long-suffering; 9 months is enough.

So here we are. It's 05:50 hours and I'm still not fully dilated. My wonderful husband is sitting patiently by my side letting me crush his metacarpals to oblivion at the pain of my contractions. The Doctor is being overly nice and patient with me. He's had plenty of practice with pregnant mothers over the past year enough to know that we require a different kind of bedside manner.

/

"I can't" I collapse against Chakotay's chest.

He kisses my damp forehead and smoothes my sweaty hair back, "yes you can. Just one more – try, Kathryn."

I gather my resolve for what I want to be my last push. I lean against him, bracing myself and I give it my best. It's incredibly painful as her shoulders pass but then it's over. And I collapse against the solid man holding me up.

A cry, her first imprint on Voyager, rings through Sickbay. There she is. The Doctor wraps her in a pink blanket after quickly wiping her off. Here she is. She opens her eyes. Yes, it's her; I'd know those eyes anywhere. They're deep brown, almost black and she's got a full head of black hair. She's got my nose, but she looks just like him. My husband. My love.

I hand her to him. He's trembling but his grasp is firm.

"Vivianna," his whispers to her.

"What?"

"Vivianna. It means life."

Yes.

How is the first line written?

'Here beginneth the New Life'.

A little over a year and a half ago, I began a New Life. I awoke and a clean slate was laid before me. I was able to eschew my loneliness and accept the pervasive love of the man who I am humbled to call my husband. His love opened every broken piece of my heart and healed me. Here beginneth our new life and I can't wait to see where it takes us.


End file.
